This episode adds more fuel to the K/S fire, but it does add some very spicy M/F action to challenge it. This is one of the two times in all of TOS that Kirk for sure got laid. As in Paradise Syndrome, it is not his idea, and he has little control over the situation.
This episode also throws a spotlight on Kirk's "creative" (some might say peculiar) problem-solving methods, adding weight to my assertion that Kirk is a masochist, as I shall explain.
The Enterprise receives a distress call from the planet Scalos. A group of five Scalosians claims to be the last survivors of their civilization.
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and some poor redshirt schlub named Compton beam down to the incredibly beautiful city, but it's totally uninhabited. Our guys are unable to locate the source of the Scalosian's transmission. Kirk hears insects, but the tricorder does not register them, nor any other life.
Suddenly, Compton mysteriously vanishes into thin air while McCoy watches.
Kirk, and what's left of the landing party, return to the Enterprise, where Kirk watches the recording of the Scalosian's message. There are five Scalosians left alive, they say, and we can see all five: Two women and three extremely fey-looking guys.
[NOTE: That is no exaggeration. The Scalosian men actually outdo the Elaasians for sheer unalloyed fruitiness, in dress and manner, and that's no mean feat.]
Kirk complains to Spock about the series of weird malfunctions which began to occur soon after they returned to the ship from Scalos, then reports to McCoy for an exam.
As Kirk is being examined, he again hears the buggy whine he had heard before on the surface. Then he acts all creeped out, and climbs off of the med table, eyes shiftily scanning the room. He complains to McCoy that he was touched before, and was just touched again. He decides that it means that there is an intruder aboard.
Strangely, Kirk orders phasers issued to all crew members, but fails to declare a state of emergency. No, "Intruder alert!", or the equivalent, no flashing light or alarm.
Two security guards are mysteriously stopped in mid-stride before they can investigate something weird in the environmental engineering room. Kirk and Spock are right behind them, and they see it happen. The four together try going forward, but the guards again are stopped. Strangely, Kirk and Spock are allowed to proceed.
Realizing that they have been singled out by their invisible antagonists, Jim and Spock both become deeply serious. They proceed delicately, with extreme caution.
They find a bizarre machine hooked up to the environmental control unit. Kirk orders Spock to disconnect it, but a shocking force field stops him. When Kirk and Spock attempt to destroy the thing with their phasers, their phasers suddenly vanish. Then the guys feel themselves pushed away. Well, they are suitably impressed.
Back on the bridge, they consult the computer. Not much help.
Meanwhile, Kirk's coffee stirs itself.
Kirk sits in the Captain's chair and again acts all paranoid. He touches his mouth with his hand, looks around, all creeped out. He decides to calm himself with a sip of coffee. Suddenly he notices that everybody is slowing down. He stares long and hard at Spock, and, noticing that Spock seems frozen, he strolls over to him and tries to speak with him.
[NOTE: Kirk apparently doesn't notice that *everybody* on the bridge is frozen. He only has eyes for Spock.]
Cut to the chase...
Well, Kirk's coffee was doctored with a drug that super-accelerates his metabolism. In accelerated phase, Kirk meets his willowy blond antagonist du jour.
She smiles, highly amused, as if all of this is a really cute joke. Kirk approaches and tries to talk with her. She greets Kirk in a highly disrespectful fashion: she hugs and kisses him. He thinks it's great NO HE DOESN'T. Kirk pushes her away and demands to know who she is.
"Deela, the enemy", she smiles.
[NOTE: This chick is red hot and ready right now! Oh, alleged horndog playboy Kirk should love this. Except he doesn't.]
She explains to Kirk that she has accelerated him, and says, "Now you can see me, and talk to me...and we can go on from there." She caresses him possessively.
"Why?" wonders Kirk, clearly confused about why he should want to see and talk with this nutty dame.
She kisses him again, he pushes her away again. She then sweetly explains that she is the queen of the last of the Scalosians, and she has decided that she wants Kirk to be her king. Kirk has no choice. Whether he likes it or not is immaterial to her. She tells Jim that he has been utterly changed, and can never go back to his former life.
Naturally Kirk is extremely flattered NO HE'S NOT. Realizing that subtlety and politeness are completely wasted on this ball-breaking bitch, Kirk tries to stun Deela by shooting her with his phaser, but she steps aside before the phaser beam gets to her.
[NOTE: Deela redefines the term "fast woman".]
Deela disarms Kirk, then tells him to accept his fate. Kirk cogitates for a few seconds, then decides to change tacks. He steps up to his chiffon-clad abductor and starts his trademarked dickering.
[NOTE: Here we go again. Just as Kirk has done in Squire Of Gothos and other episodes, he offers to exchange his life/freedom for the life/freedom of his crew.]
Kirk asks, "If I agree to go with you, will you set this ship to rights?"
[NOTE: Look, let's not have any silly disagreements about what he means by that remark. He is offering to submit willingly, on condition. He in effect is asking her to promise to let his people go, in exchange for his obedience. He's made similar offers to others: it's not like she's *special*.]
"Don't be silly", Deela laughs in his face.
[NOTE: In effect her answer is, "You are in no position to dictate terms, slave. No deal!"]
Kirk rushes to the life support room, but is blocked from entering by Compton. They chat a bit, and it becomes obvious that Compton is a total traitor. So Kirk of course kicks his ass.
Kirk rushes into the environmental control room and confronts two very femmy-looking Scalosian guys, who stun him into insensibility with their dainty little weapons.
Compton, who gained renewed respect for Captain Kirk when Kirk drop-kicked him, rushes in and tangles with the guy who attacked Kirk, and gets injured.
Deela kneels beside the unconscious Kirk attentively, and waits for him to regain awareness.
"I want to keep this one a long time" Deela chirps. "He's pretty."
Kirk wakes up, and is overjoyed to see Deela's radiant visage NO HE ISN'T. He jumps up and demands to know what the weird device is.
"I'll tell you anything you want to know..." Deela pleasantly informs him, "...and you'll approve of it."
"Approve of it?" he retorts, astounded. "We're your prisoners!"
[NOTE: Now Kirk is really confused. Since when does the approval of slaves and prisoners matter? She was the one who told him that his approval didn't matter, now this? Does she want his approval or not? She can't seem to make up her mind. Just as he's getting his dick up to play his part, she's changing the rules on him. Kirk seems dismayed to realize that Deela is a complete amateur when it comes to this enslaving-men game.]
"You are free to go wherever you wish" Deela serenely assures him.
OK, now Kirk is pissed. He thought he was at least going to have a little fun playing slave to this woman, now she won't even give him that satisfaction.
[NOTE: Brace yourself for a klassic kinky Kirk moment]
Oh, so he's free to do whatever he wants, huh? OK, how about if he strolls over to their precious mystery machine and tries to pick a fight with the guy who's guarding it?
The guy shrugs and blandly warns Kirk to not touch the machine.
Kirk touches it. It shocks him. Everybody looks at Kirk as if to say, "See? We tried to warn you not to touch it. Now aren't you sorry? Now don't you feel dumb?"
Just for fun, because he is now dreadfully bored, Jim deliberately places both hands directly on the thing and hangs on like it's an E-ticket ride at the fair. He takes a pretty good jolt, but the ones who are really shocked are his captors. Shit, nobody in a million years expected him to do THAT!
[NOTE: Well, doll, you DID say he could do whatever he wanted. Next time maybe you'll stop to think before you do something dumb like that.]
It takes all of Deela's strength and will to pull Jim off of the thing. She is beginning to realize that she's got a wild one on her hands.
Jim notices that Compton is lying on the floor, dead, his hair gone white. Compton aged a hundred years within a few minutes, very much as Deela and her hapless gang are now about to do.
[NOTE: Well, don't fuck with Jim and we won't have these little problems.]
Jim stomps off, and Deela says something rather interesting:
"He's gone to try to communicate with the Vulcan. His species is capable of much affection. I wonder if they will demonstrate it to us?"
[NOTE: Holy COW! It sounds like she's hoping that Jim and Spock will put on a spicy show for her! I am forced to wonder how she knows how much affection they are capable of.]
Deela follows Kirk to the lab, where he sho' 'nuff is leaving Spock a message on the computer. Sort of an electronic message in a bottle.
[NOTE: Spock, Spock, Spock! It's all about SPOCK!]
Kirk explains his situation while Deela looks on, amused. Even though Deela made it clear that Kirk is free to do what he likes, he still describes his condition as that of "enslavement".
[NOTE: I'm amused too. Poor Kirk. Still holding on to hope. What a sap.]
In his message, Kirk tells Spock that the Scalosians are planning to turn the whole ship into a big meat-locker with their special device...for reasons unknown.
[NOTE: Kirk can't understand why they don't just save themselves some trouble and turn off the heat, instead. They *are* out in space. Why refrigerate your whole house to freeze ice cubes, when you could instead just open the door and let in the snow?]
Deela explains that, due to a natural catastrophe, the Scalosian men are sterile. She needs Kirk for stud service.
Up to this point she has Kirk's attention and sympathy. So far, so good. But then in her ignorance she makes a big mistake. She promises to never hurt Kirk.
[NOTE: Kirk's disappointment when told this is quite evident. He just plain doesn't like the sound of that at all. What kind of enslavement is THAT going to be? It's kind of similar to his reaction when told by Drusilla that he's not going to be tortured, in Bread and Circuses. He's all: "Gee, that in itself is a kind of a torture, isn't it?"]
Blah, blah, blah...
When Deela is distracted by a call from one of her guys, Kirk slips his diskette to Spock, lingers a moment to look longingly at him, then skedaddles off to the transporter room to see if he can do something to earn himself a spankin'.
Deela chases after him, and arrives just in time to catch Kirk in the act. Ohhh. Bad, bad boy.
She tries transporting Kirk down, and of course the transporter is not working.
"I despise devious people, don't you?", she asks him.
"I believe in honest relationships, myself", he grins.
[NOTE: So keep your promise and enslave him already, you dopey broad. What are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?]
OK, they go to Kirk's cabin. Kirk stands several feet away from her, arms folded across his chest.
"Are you married, Captain?" Deela asks, struggling in her own special way to understand why Kirk hesitates to hit the sheets with her.
Apparenty thinking that her appearence is part of the problem, she combs her hair.
She thinks she may have the answer. "I know..." she says to Kirk, "...you are married to your career."
Kirk says NOTHING.
"Am I more presentable now?", she asks him.
"A bit", Kirk admits, without enthusiasm.
[NOTE: Wow! No WONDER he's such a hit with all the girls! What a killer-diller seducer, huh? Some smoothie, that Kirk, huh!? Yeah, yeah, smooth as a brick.]
Suddenly, out of the blue, Jim grabs ahold of her and plants a big, deep wet one on her. She can hardly believe her luck. Poor Deela is so love-starved that Kirk's ham-fisted blandishments actually titillate her. She gasps, aroused, then yanks herself away when she feels him trying to steal the little weapon she keeps hidden in her sleeve.
[NOTE: OK, *now* let's see if she re-evaluates her no-hurting policy...]
"Was I too crude?" Kirk asks her, teasingingly, in a fair attempt to encourage her to start in with some verbal humiliation, at least.
[NOTE: Deela, you are turning out to be such a wimp. And we all had such high hopes for you.]
But SOFT! What light through yonder window BREAKS! Deela suddenly gets a notion...a ~really good one~. She threatens Kirk's life.
"All I have to do is scratch you..." she kindly reminds him.
Kirk flinches, believing. Hey, he saw what happened to Compton!
"Yes, I know", he says suddenly adopting a much more respectful attitude.
"You will come around sooner or later" she regally assures him, once more firmly in command. "But it's better sooner, than later."
Well, OK! Why didn't you just say so in the first place! Now Kirk understands that yes, he is a slave, and no, he has no choice. He will approve BECAUSE she will give him no choice! WELL, ALL RIGHT THEN!
Kirk smiles, and this time his smile seems sincere. Now they kiss, and this time when they kiss, it really seems sincere!
[NOTE: What I have been telling you? Kirk's a masochist. If you *really* think about it, that *really does* explain _everything_.]
Spock finally figures out how to read Kirk's message.
Meanwhile, back in the hyper-accerated realm, Kirk and Deela have courted, married, honeymooned, had a couple of kids, broken up, and gotten back together when the trial separation didn't turn out to be such a good idea. We catch up to them just after they have renewed their marriage vows and enjoyed their second honeymoon.
Sho' 'nuff, Kirk is getting dressed while an extremely pleased Deela primps. There can be no question: they did the nasty. Hey, they easily could have done it a couple of times. At his current rate of acceleration, Kirk can come and go before he even says hello. We should all be grateful that the friction didn't set the sheets on fire.
Nuthin' like a little mortal terror to put some starch in yer sails, huh Jim?
[NOTE: Well, Kirk is a professional-class thrill-seeker. Guys like that develop a high tolerance for adrenaline. What would paralyze most normal people with dread is nothing but an aphrodisiac for a guy like him.]
Scalosian romeo Real is jealous of Kirk's relationship with his adored Deela. He tries to kill Kirk but Deela stops him. Real is jailed for many hyper-accelerated months before his incredibly tedious trial finally begins. Many hyper-accelerated years later the trial ends with a hung jury, and Real is freed. He returns to his former job, but not without a cloud of stigma hanging over him. Meanwhile, Deela and Kirk break up and get back together about three more times, and have a couple of more kids in between. That makes four by Deela, but that ain't all! While separated from Deela, Kirk also manages to father a couple of kids with that other Scalosian temptress. But that's nothing! The Scalosian men got involved too. Kirk would have gotten pregnant himself a few times if he could have. That naughty, NAUGHTY boy! But they love him. They can't help themselves. ~Everybody~ loves Jimmy.
Bones discovers a cure for the acceleration drug, so now Spock figures it's safe to accelerate himself to the Scalosian level by drinking the Scalosian water (before McCoy can stop him) in order to wreak a little Vulcan-style revenge on the Scalosian smart-alecks who tried to steal his man.
Kirk meets up with Spock, and the two of them stun Real. They also destroy the Scalosian machine. The crisis is averted, hoorah, hoorah.
The Scalosians are dumped back on their crummy planet.
Kirk takes McCoy's antidote and it slows his ass back down where it belongs. Meanwhile, Spock repairs damage to the Enterprise, and BTW buggers every single man and woman on the ship while still hyper-accelerated.
Hey, why should Jim have all the fun?
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