Let's talk penises for a minute here. Me, I've had lots of experience with human penises, but very limited experience with non-human penises. I'll be blunt: I've only seen non-human penises, I've never actually played with any. I've seen horse dicks, mule dicks, dog dicks... and not up close either. I saw pictures of pig dicks and elephant dicks...never mind what the occasion was. That is the full extent of my experience with extra-hominid phalluses. Honest.
I do fancy that I know a great deal about human genitalia of the male kind, even though I don't personally possess one. I do possess a flotilla of penile facsimiles, but except for a couple of festive uses (rubber-dong fencing being one of them) possessing one or more of them is not the same thing as owning your own live cock.
When I squeeze my (human) husband's nuts, he tells me that the penis attached is mine, but I'm not the one who uses it to piss through, so no, it's not really mine, except for a limited time when needed. Pissing on it is something else, but that's another story.
Anyway, this double-ridge thing...it's embarrassing. I mean, you all know what the "ridge" of a single-ridged human guy's dick is, doncha? It's the sulcus, right? [NOTE: visit link below for anatomy of the human penis]
Let's talk cock for just a minute: You got your circumcised, and you got your uncircumcised. Uncircumcised, AKA "intact", "uncut", is the way nature makes 'em. It takes uncounted millions of years for nature to devise something as perfectly delightful as the uncircumcised penis, and only a few seconds with a sharp knife or hunk of broken glass to completely ruin it, OK? The foreskin is not a useless hunk of skin people, it's a very important part of the male organ, that is designed by nature to protect the penis, and facilitate smooth, friction-free fucking.
Here's another of my pet peeves: why in heaven's name do so many Treksmutter's assume Captain Kirk is cut? I honestly think that by the 2200's circumcision will no longer be practiced. But I digress.
Dare to dream: maybe Vulcans are too smart, too *logical* to ever start circumcising in the first place. Let's assume for a minute that Vulcans are physically, mechanically very similar to humans in the manmeat department. Let's assume that they have a glans, and a shaft, and maybe even visible, hanging testicles. Why in the name of glory would they have two "ridges"? Maybe they wouldn't even have one. Maybe their glans is shaped differently. Maybe they don't even have a "shaft" -maybe the business end of their member is all glans.
Maybe, Like some mammals, Vulcan males have a penis-bone. Maybe the penis tip protrudes only slightly past the end of the penis-bone, maybe it elongates greatly at the proper time.
Maybe, like many mammals which are readily observable in nature, Vulcan males have retracting penises. Maybe the whole apparatus shrinks and slips entirely back into the body when it's not needed. Maybe the Vulcan man's testicles don't hang down - maybe they are not even visible.
Maybe, like many male birds and other animals, Vulcan men don't have penises at all. Maybe they simply rub against the female, and ooze semen in her general direction.
I want you to really think about this for a minute. Just for sixty seconds try to imagine a Vulcan penis is not some "double-ridged" monstrosity. Maybe Vulcan cocks aren't bigger than human cocks. In fact, maybe they tend to be smaller than human cocks. Why not?
Maybe, like deer do with their antlers, Vulcan men drop their penises after Pon Farr, and they grow a new one in seven years. Every seven years, they just grow a brand new one. Why not? The truth is, nobody really knows for sure if they do or don't.
Vulcan genitalia were never described in canon. Heck, if we believe canon, even humans don't have genitalia! This double-ridged thing (which is so dreadfully embarrassing) is not canon. You don't have to describe Spock that way: it's not required. You can get creative and make up a totally different way for Vulcan penises to look and function, and nobody can say boo to you about it, because the stupid double-ridged thing is only fanon, not canon.
I know, I know...the force of fanon can seem pretty overwhelming. But let's emulate the Vulcans and be logical for once.
Consider this: Whatever the Vulcans have, it's got to be practical. Specifically, whatever the Vulcan men have got, it's got to be perfect for Vulcan women! Those two, you'd think, would be a perfect fit, like a hand in glove. The guy's like the hand, see, and the woman is like the glove, in that scenario, all right? So ask yourself: What does a Vulcan girl need a double-ridged dick for? What's it do for her? I mean, sure, it drags a lot and causes a lot of friction, and we're supposed to assume she likes that, right? But what if Vulcans don't thrust and piston like humans?
AHA! Didn't think of that, huh? What if Vulcans don't do the in-out thing, at all? What if they grind, for example, instead? Seriously, what makes us think that they would piston in and out like humans? Not all animals do, you know. Some grind, some fight like they are trying to kill each other, others just kind of stick together and lackadaisically hang around and chill, looking bored and stupid.
Remember, VULCANS ARE NOT HUMAN. They look like us superficially, but deep inside, and in every meaningful way, they are nothing like us. They don't even have a word for rape, not even for date-rape. They don't have a word for date. When Vulcans have sex, it's as good as getting married. The word FARR is their general all-purpose word for bodies-bumping-in-friendly-manner. Bodies-bumping-in-unfriendly-manner is FEE. Hence, Kali-fee means to kill the guy who wants the girl you are interested in, and Kali-farr means to bon/mate/have-sex-with/MARRY her.
That's right, folks. You have sex with a Vulcan, you're married! And apparently you are married for life, because the Kali-fee is as close to a Vulcan divorce as you are going to get.
Vulcans don't mess around. They take the whole sex thing very seriously! And since they are telepaths, having sex with one is no doubt a very invasive procedure. To Vulcans, to have sex is to bond. They bond to one another at the time of mating, which is why they draw no distinction between fooling around, and getting married for life.
OK, so picture this: for untold millions of years, nature perfected the Vulcan male and female. They are ideally suited for each other, physically and mentally. They've been happily fucking and bonding for who knows how many eons, and it's been working beautifully. The Vulcans multiplied and prospered, and multiplied some more, and so on, for a looooooong time before they ever even heard of human beings.
And then along comes Jones. Or whomever was the first human sex pioneer who demonstrated that humans can also do with Vulcans what they've previously been known to do with sheep. Naturally, the Vulcans are astonished. Naturally, Vulcans being the way they are, the matter goes straight into committee where it's mulled over with all the deliberate seriousness they can muster. Meanwhile, 141 more Vulcan virgins are raped.
OK, now the Vulcans are getting a little bit steamed. They decide to get revenge in their own special way. The first chance they get, they start marrying human women pell-mell. Something very funny happens. Their victims love it, and start sewing curtains with matching throw-pillows. Human women abandon their lousy husbands and layabout boyfriends and run to Vulcan like it's a gold rush. Vulcan women react the only way they know how, and kill every human, female and male, that they see. For a while this seems to work: peace is temporarily restored. But alas, the golden days of yesteryear are gone for good, and soon Vulcans realize that they must somehow adapt to the sex-crazy humans and their flesh-grabbing ways...
And so it goes.
By the time of Kirk and Spock, things have settled into an uneasy groove. Humans and Vulcans have established an uneasy alliance, and they have largely learned to avoid stepping on each other's petunias. Just as everyone is thinking the worst is over, Spock (the first Vulcan-human hybrid to attain adulthood) goes into heat. Sort of. No...yes, he's in heat. So we take him home, and he sort of acts like you'd expect, except not really. OK, let's face it, the guy has problems and he's a total freak. Who knows what he's packing under the hood? It's a crapshoot. That poor bastard is flying blind: his instincts are all mixed up. Maybe he looks (genitally speaking) like a typical Vulcan, but bucks like a human. Maybe he's infertile. Maybe he's Gay. There is definitely something off about him. Everybody thinks so.
What I'm getting at is, I deplore the fact that so many fan fiction writers agree with such a lock-step mentality about Vulcan penises, when there are so many wonderful options to choose from, and I want you all to start deploring it, too. For mercy's sake people, let's show some imagination! I challenge you Treksmutters to write a sexy story about a Vulcan having sex in a completely new way. Try describing a totally different kind of penis for Spock, and while you are at it, try giving Kirk a foreskin. I double-dare you.
All site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002
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