On Making Love To A Vulcan Man

By James T. Kirk
As told to Laura Goodwin

"I have read what the others have said recently about Vulcan cock, and am proud that so many of you got it right, as far as the retracting part. It's comforting to know I'm not the only curious human who couldn't resist the urge to fish for Vulcan trouser-trout in the name of love, science, and a hope for a brighter tomorrow.

What to do with this wonderful thing once you have one in your possession is another story. Too few stories give any useful details about how to make love to a Vulcan man. Whatever Vulcan women know, they ain't telling, brother. We've been on our own, tits to the wind, flying blind - until now. I now intend to correct this glaring oversight.

OK, assuming you got yourself one fresh hot Vulcan male who's all hopped up and ready to go (and how to get to that point is your problem) you are going to want to make friends real quick. Vulcans in heat are pretty aggressive, especially with other males. Behave submissively. If you are female this isn't such a big problem: your female smell makes your average Vulcan man all gooey and stupid. He'll be groveling at your feet in a blink. As long as you don't shout or make any sudden moves you are home free.

Look at Vulcan women in estrus. They get real still. They don't have to do anything, and neither do you. Just stay where you are and he'll come to you, even if he has to crawl through 100 yards of electrified mud pushing a rubber ducky with his nose to get to you. Not that he'd prefer this: don't get me wrong.

If you are a guy, like I am, you got trouble. I actually know of only one case where a human male successfully hooked up with a Vulcan male, and it happens to be my case, so, although I'm the only true expert in these matters, my experience is obviously limited. What's worse, my Vulcan subject is actually not a full Vulcan, but a Vulcan-Human cross. I didn't want to tell that much because of privacy issues, but I feel an obligation, if I'm going to do this at all, to do it right and play all cards face up to the table. Much of what I tell you next I either know from my own experience, or have learned from a reliable source.

Anyway, you got yourself a Vulcan man (or reasonable facsimile), and you want to make some whoopee with this amazing creature, but you haven't a clue how to begin. Here are some ideas for you:

First, realize Vulcans are really sensitive in a limited number of areas: They don't care about getting petted all over. You are going to want to pet him anyway, and don't worry, he'll let you. Vulcans are exquisitely sensitive around the ears and mouth, on the palms of their hands and bottoms of their feet, and (as you might expect) in the crotch area.

 Nature was kinder to the Vulcan male than to the human ones: Vulcan men have their gonads protected inside the pelvis behind their pubic bone. When in Must, the crotch gets hot and turns a darker color, and will give off a distinctive sex odor. A pleasant one, don't worry. To another Vulcan male it probably seems repugnant, but that's their problem.

Vulcans don't have real sensitive smell, but they are attuned to sex smells. They respond to pheromones, which means as a male I had to wash up pretty good to avoid getting off on the wrong foot. A human female probably shouldn't be too well-scrubbed if she wants to attract a Vulcan man's attention. I learned something kind of interesting: if I've been "keeping close company" with a woman it adds to my allure temporarily. Some may say that's cheating, but the same people who might say that see nothing wrong with wearing perfume to get the same effect. If it's OK to milk civet cats against their will, then why can't I use a willing person...

Don't get me started.

On to the juicy stuff.

OK, your naked Vulcan man is a very streamlined, sleek, elegant-looking fellow. The Vulcan people in general are a handsome race, so your guy is very likely a tall, handsome guy, with light-brown skin, black eyes, silky dark hair, and muscles that feel like iron. If he's susceptible to your charms at all he's probably getting pretty twitchy for some action, and the best thing you can do if you are a woman is just to recline and let him go to work on you. He'll want to lick your feet and pussy, which is just instinctive behavior. A full-blood Vulcan's idea of foreplay is to fall to the ground and start kissing and licking his woman's feet. Vulcan dames no doubt really go for this. Sooner or later they sit or lie down to better enjoy this business, and it's all downhill from there, I guess. I've never witnessed it myself.

Me having the problem of not being a woman, I had to get a little creative. Considering who I was with, maybe being a woman wouldn't have helped much, who knows? It was a crapshoot.

If you are like me and either don't want to wait for loverboy to make his move, or just don't mind being the one who shows some alacrity, then tumble his ass and get right down there between his legs. Don't wait for words of love, and don't waste any. Your sizzling boyfriend's brains are scrambled eggs right now: he's not feeling too chatty. What he really needs is action, and that's what you are there for.

Believe me, he appreciates it! After he cools off and comes to his senses you'll tire of hearing about it before he tires of telling you.

Take a look at the slot in front. It's like a vertical mouth with no lips (well, there kind of are thin little lips). That's his penile vent. In a Vulcan who has never had sex it's sealed shut by a membrane. There was some noise going around about how Vulcans urinate. Vulcans do not urinate. All their bodily waste is expelled in their breath or feces. The only fluid Vulcan men channel through their penis is semen, and that happens pretty rarely for the average Vulcan. Most of the time the penis is not needed and it stays sealed up, nice and safe. One Vulcan in particular who happens to be very near and dear to me is the one notable exception that I know of.

Don't use your fingers to poke around in there. The lining of the vent and the surface of the penis are both super-delicate membrane like the inside of your mouth, and rough fingernails are no good. Tongues are always welcome! Try tonguing around the vent opening and anus if you want a big hooray.

If you are a woman you can jump-start the whole shebang quite nicely by sitting on Romeo's face. He'll give you a face full of full-on manmeat in no time if you do that.

Don't bother with the nipples on the guy. As far as I can tell Vulcan's nipples are perfectly insensitive. Maybe with the women it's different, maybe when they are lactating, but I don't care enough to find out. Vulcan women are lucky their men don't care about tits too much, since the whole lot of them are flat as boys. And don't tell me about T'Pring! That was an actress, folks! I've seen the real T'Pring and let me tell you she was flat as a board, like most Vulcan women are. They should issue magnifying glasses to the newborns just to be sure the little suckers can find the things.

On to happier thoughts.

OK! Lets say your jolly green joyrider has sprung a sprout and is ready for love! What you now have in your hands is a very interesting organ! If you really want to experiment with it, you might want to tie the old boy down at this point. Or coax your lover into a hot shower or bath, because that dick doesn't like the open air too much. It's designed by nature to slip directly from one warm hidey-hole right into another without passing Go or collecting two hundred credits. You are ultimately going to want it to, trust me!

Imagine you are looking at this marvelous thing with me: It's very smooth, a deep green color, and it emerges with a slick, moist, oily film on it that's pretty much odorless and tasteless. Go ahead taste it! He won't mind. It's not cylindrical and rigid like a human's. It is conical in shape, with a blunt, pointed tip, and much wider at the base. The whole thing is glans, one big head, with a short, grisley stalk at the base instead of an elongated shaft. The most amazing thing about it is the feel of the thing: it has some interesting properties! If you squeeze it in your hands it deforms like putty...pretty funny, except to your victim, of course. It actually doesn't become rigid until it's in place. If you squeeze with both hands around the base the head balloons, mushrooming out. It's rigid then, you bet!

Apparently when Vulcans fuck the female's vaginal sphincter grips this thing tightly, and they get tied like dogs. Once the female cums, the sphincter relaxes, so it's not like the guy's trapped except for the immediate duration, which I'm sure they don't mind. Vulcans in season will copulate repeatedly for days, and I don't doubt they can get pretty athletic in the process. I have good reason to believe they probably do.

Well, what if you are human? A human female doesn't have a vagina that can grab a guy like that. I'm told it is a little weird for a Vulcan to fuck human females vaginally, since they have to hang on to the woman to keep from slipping out of her. He'll adjust, don't sweat it. He is glad you showed up at all!

If you want to give your Vulcan hubby a real treat, you'll take him up the ass! They love that! It's perfect for them, and it won't hurt you a bit.

Anal intercourse is a great equalizer. Vulcan women like it too, I hear. I know I do! It doesn't matter if you are Vulcan or Human, male or female: everybody's got one. Use it: it will not fail you.

People are stupid about butt-fucking, saying things like, "But isn't it dirty?" Buy a book! There is all kinds of info available on that subject and I feel zero obligation to reinvent the wheel here. I'll just say this about that: it's the hottest, sexiest, most fulfilling thing you can do with a Vulcan man and if you won't do it with him then get the hell out of his life so he can find somebody who will.

If you got him all excited just relax and he'll be all over you like ants on a sugar heap. If you didn't lick it all off, that oil that's on his cock at emergence is a terrific lubricant. Ideally you are in position before that bad boy comes out. If you play it right that puppy slips effortlessly into place, just as easy as water pouring into water.

A few words about what it's like to be on the receiving end: Some people who have a vague idea about the Vulcan's phallic girth imagine that you can't ever sit on a barstool without it running up your chute after one of these encounters but that is definitely wrong. The Vulcan's penis can slip easily into any place it's wanted, through a fairly narrow opening. Because it's the way it is it can't be forced in anywhere. That means Vulcans are physically incapable of rape. They just can't do it. That thing won't go where it's not welcome. You have to really be in the mood and open to it, then here it comes...and it just pours in nice and easy, warm and smooth; it just flows into place. Once in, and your ass grips it, it blooms inside you filling you up completely. It's a beautiful feeling!

There's no poking or hammering around going on. You fit together like a ball-socket. Your Vulcan lover will typically roll his hip around, or wag side to side instead of "thrusting". If you want to be the one doing the wagging, he will NOT complain! LOL

Here's something interesting: the most sensitive part of the Vulcan penis is beneath the head and around the stalk. They take their friction around where you've got them gripped. Pretty sweet! One of the favorite things is for him to pull back, stretching his cock and pressing the underhead area hard against the sphincter from the inside. It may seem like he's trying to pull out, but he's not! Hang on, and let him do it.

One last thing about anal intercourse: When your Vulcan pumps his cum into you the first few times you might feel some uncomfortable cramping. Vulcan sperm is a fairly soapy kind of substance and unfortunately this takes some getting used to. Don't panic. You may think you have to make a run for the latrine, but as long as he's plugged in nothing's coming out. You can just relax and wait and even fuck a couple more times before you really will have to do anything about it. Obviously, keeping a towel nearby for when he withdraws is a good idea. Fucking in the shower is a pretty good solution too.

Hell, do everything in the shower. Where Vulcans come from there's a chronic water shortage, and wasting all that water is one of the most decadent things they can imagine, which is actually kind of spicy for them. Watch your step: Vulcan cum on a wet floor is slicker than ice.

I guess I might as well wrap this up before too much longer, but not without discussing oral sex.

Suck your Vulcan's cock! He'll love it! It's pretty easy. Just remember to work around the base a lot. Either hold him with your hands real tight so he gets all blown out and lick all around it like it's a great big green lollipop, or (if you have the talent for this sort of thing) deep throat him and bite down around that base (not too hard), letting him yank backward against your teeth. Get into a rhythm with it so you can catch your breath now and then. This is easier to manage if you took my advice and tied him down like I suggested in the first place. Oh, and don't be shy about asking him to return the favor. He'll think it's perfectly logical to do whatever he has to, to encourage you. When it comes down to it, Vulcans like sex as much as anybody, and can become as talented at it as they need to be.

Even full-blood Vulcans enjoy fooling around with their human mates between Pon Farrs. It's not an imposition. He won't mind taking care of you. He loves you. Vulcans do not fool around: they are serious about love. Your Vulcan man will enjoy proving his love to you over and over.

Congratulations, enjoy yourselves, and good luck!


Spock's reply: Dis Aliter Visum (RE: Making Love).

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