These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
 |
|
 |
Corby: "Captain, I'm blocking your transmission. I can't allow you to leave yet. There is still so much I want to show you, and explain!"
Kirk: "Lemmee explain something first! You're going to let me and Chapel go NOW, or I'll off your pretty little accomplice!"
Andrea: "Captain, I'm an android myself. Dr. Corby will only make another one of me, and you will accomplish nothing."
Corby: "Well said, Andrea, now disarm the Captain. Good. Now give him a big Welcome-to-android-life kiss! Good! Now Ruck, take him to the lab, and strap his ass down on the slab!"
 |
[Later, at dinner]
Kirk (marveling): "Say, my android turned out pretty good! He's a beauty!"
Android Kirk: "You're not so bad yourself!" (flirts)
Corby: "Break it up, you two! All right, 'Captain', go to the Enterprise and prepare them to become my personal transport to a colony world where I can implement my androids-taking-over-the-world plan!"
[Later, in Corby's dungeon...]
Kirk: "Well, you sure are the prettiest prison guard I've ever seen. Too bad you are just a robot, we could be having fun..."
Andrea: "I am NOT just a robot. I'm an android."
Kirk: "What's the difference, really!?"
Andrea: "I can feel sensation. I know pleasure and pain. I have memory, thoughts, wishes, likes and dislikes. Machines don't have feelings, but I do."
Kirk: "No kiddin'? I'm glad you told me that. Guess I owe you an apology. Maybe androids are superior after all! Believe it or not, I envy you a little Andrea. As an android you don't have to worry about pregnancy and disease and broken hearts and stuff. Must be nice!"
Andrea: "I suppose it could be worse."
Kirk: "You know, just because your boss doesn't like me doesn't mean we can't be friends. Now that you are moving to a colony you'll have to pass for human, at least for a while. Let me give you some pointers!"
Andrea: "I don't believe I need any advice from you."
Kirk: "Yes you do. You kiss like a chimpanzee. I could teach you how to do it properly!"
Andrea: "Very well. Tell me the proper way."
Kirk: "Come here, I'll demonstrate!" (grabs her and plants a big, long, deep, wet one on her) Kirk: "There! Like that!"
Andrea: "That was impressive! I can see there is much I could learn from you."
Kirk: "Absolutely! Next lesson: fellatio!"
 |
[Later...]
Kirk: "Hey, what are you doing here, Ruck? What happened to Andrea?"
Ruck: "Dr. Corby ordered me to take her place as your guard. He thought you two were enjoying your captivity too much."
Kirk (cannily): "Yeah! Why should Andrea be the only android around here who gets any fun!? You'd like to have a little fun too, I'll bet! Huh? Am I right?"
Ruck (grumbling): "I don't even know what fun is."
Kirk (merrily): "Fun is my middle name! Actually, Tiberius is my middle name, and believe me I'm always workin' overtime, tryin' to live up to it!"
Ruck (amused): "If that is true, then you must be one sick puppy!"
Kirk (coming on strong): "Honey, next to me Caligula would look like a Boy Scout! Want proof? Gimmee that bad boy! Yeah! Whoo ha! Papa, that is one monster dick you got there!"
Ruck (panting): "Think you can handle all of that, sweetie?"
Kirk: "Hell no! I'm not using my hands on that! STICK IT IN MY ASS! Oh, ~yeah~!"
 |
[Meanwhile, aboard the Enterprise...]
Spock: "Captain, I have serious reservations regarding Dr. Corby's superficially reasonable-seeming request to be removed with his party to the nearest colony. For one thing, who is this mysterious Andrea person? There is no record of her existence in our data bank. It's as if she 'appeared out of thin air', and I'm sure no one here believes that is actually possible. She must be someone, and she must have come from somewhere, yet Dr. Corby is evasive when questioned on these points. I suspect skullduggery is afoot."
Android Kirk: "Oh, zip it up until I ask for it, Spock! What's on your mind, Bones?"
Spock: "B-but...!"
McCoy: "What exactly are you asking me, Jim? You want my opinion about this Corby fella?"
Spock: "Yes, why ask him, JIM, since your mind is obviously already made up!?"
Android Kirk: "Spock just plain talks too much, sometimes, doesn't he Bones?"
McCoy (gleefully): "He sure does!"
Android Kirk: "Somebody else should have a chance once in a while, huh, Bones!? Somebody would maybe tell him, if they could ever get a word in edgewise, that he should remember he's only my first husband!"
Spock (bitchily): "What has gotten into you!? Don't tell me you're infatuated with that cunt, Andrea! I told you no more, and you promised me no more, but we all know, I suppose, what that's worth...!"
Android Kirk : ::covering his ears:: "I'm not listening, I can't hear you - lalalalalalalala!"
McCoy (with evil delight): "Maybe you shoulda got it in writing, Spock!"
 |
[Later, in the Captain's quarters]
Android Kirk: "What are you doing here, Bones?"
McCoy: "I... I thought maybe after that conversation earlier that maybe you and I should have a private chat."
Android Kirk: "What about?"
McCoy: "Well... is it my imagination, or are you finally getting a little tired of Spock?"
Android Kirk: "Oh, I'm finished with him completely!"
McCoy (brightening): "No shit!? The way you were talkin' back there you had me thinking that maybe you were thinkin' of giving me a chance now."
Android Kirk: "A chance to do what?"
McCoy: "To be your lover! What else!?"
Android Kirk: "I'm done with all of that. I don't care about sex anymore."
[long pause]
McCoy: "OK, that tears it! Spock is right. Where is our REAL Captain, you IMPOSTER!?"
 |
[Meanwhile, back at Corby's lair...]
Kirk: "Ruck, fun's fun, but if you really love me and want me to love you, then you should send Andrea back in here!"
Ruck (thunderstruck): "Whaaaaat!? Where's the logic? Come on, don't put it like that. Of course I really love you, but I have my orders."
Kirk: "Ruck, haven't you ever heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder? If you never leave, how can my heart grow fonder for you, ya big lug!?"
Ruck (sulking): "I don't think it's a good idea. I feel jealous when you're with Andrea. No...don't pout! NOT THE POUTY LIP! Please! OK! OK! If I send her in, will you be happy for me again?"
Kirk: "Gee, I don't know if I'll ever be happy again! Not while I'm stuck in prison! The best I can hope for is to keep myself amused, and that's only going to be harder if you won't help me!"
[Later...Kirk and Andrea kiss, while Ruck stews]
Kirk: "Mmm!"
Andrea: "M-mm!"
[Much later...]
Kirk: "Mm, mm, Mm!"
Andrea: "Mmmmmm!"
[Finally...]
Kirk (chuckling): "Sure was nice of Rucky-wucky to bring me the key so I could escape! What a great, big love-bug!" ::snorts:: "He just couldn't stand watching me making time with Andrea anymore. Men in love are such SAPS!
"I'm not waiting around for Spock anymore, I'm getting myself out of here... but not without this suggestively shaped stalactite for a souvenir! Stalactite or stalagmite? I always get those two mixed up. Spock will know. God, Spock's gonna love this thing!
Wonder what's taking him so long? He must have figured out that guy's just an android by now! Hey, wonder if he porked him? What if he prefers the 'bot to me!?
I'll brain him! I'll kill 'em both when I get back!"
|
WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?