These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Spock: "It seems our enemies have fled and the crisis is now over, Captain."
Kirk: "Yeah...and gee, we've been walkin' a long time with lots of twisty turns...I'm not sure I'll be able to find the way back too quick!"
Spock: "I know the way."
Kirk (playfully): "I know you do, Mr. Spock, but we still might 'get lost' for a little while! I'd be totally lost without you, I'm sure!"
Spock (comprehending): "Yes, if you want me to help you find your way back, maybe you should, you know, persuade me! I've got an idea how you can do that...watching your butt when you walk gave me BIG ideas!"
Kirk (interrupting): "Hey, Spock I just thought of somethin'...how come it's always you that's on top? When's it gonna be MY turn!?"
Spock: "Whaaat!?"
Kirk: "Seriously!"
Spock: "All right. Seriously, I was under the impression that you preferred it that way."
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Kirk: "I LOVE IT when you fuck me, Spock! But all the time? How about a little spice o' life, you know, a little variety to keep things interesting? Let's pull a switch!"
Spock: "I...I'm not sure I want to do that."
Kirk: "How do you know you don't? Ever thought about having a dick up your ass?"
Spock: "I...I'm not sure how to answer that."
Kirk: "Have you ever had a dick up your ass?"
Spock: "Yes, but it was against my will."
Kirk: "Were you drunk?"
Spock: "No, but they were."
Kirk: "Ok, in a case like that, you are right, it doesn't count! Tell ya what, let's go to your cabin and make you all comfortable and try it there. Don't worry, this time it will be different. You trust me doncha?"
Spock: "Absolutely!"
Kirk: I'll be gentle. You just tell me to stop and I'll stop! I promise!
Spock: Very well, Jim. If it would please you, let's try it.
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Kirk (kissing): "MMMmmmm!"
Spock (kissing hungrily): "MmmMmm!"
Kirk (panting): "I'm ready! You ready!?"
Spock (panting too): "Yes...ohhh yes!"
Kirk: "Ok, here's the lube. You do 'im up, 'K?"
Spock: "::giggle:: He seems ready too!"
Kirk: "Oh beeeeleeeve me, he is!"
[Dramatic pause
[Jim thrusts]
Spock: "::gasp!::"
Kirk (thrusting, panting): "You OK?"
Spock: "::gasp!:: ::groan::"
Kirk (lustily): "Oh baby, baby! Oh God! Your ass is sooo hot and tight! Oh Gaawwwd, that feels good! You feel soooo goooood to me! Oh God, when you squeeze me! Oh God! Oh GOD!"
Spock (wimpering): "Jim, oh! Oh! Ow! Jim wait...stop! Jim! OW! You are hurting me!"
Kirk (flattered): "Reeeeallly!?"
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[Later, in sickbay]
McCoy: "Now look, Spock, I'm not sayin' you and Jim shouldn't have any kind of fun you want to, but you gotta go about these things the right way! Use lots of lubricant, for one thing!"
Spock: "::sigh:: We did, doctor."
McCoy: "You did. Well, what kind did you use?"
Spock: "The common, water-based type. It was fine at first, but it seemed to wear off rather too quickly."
McCoy: "'Course it did you half-witted half-breed! Your hyper-efficient Vulcan gut sucked the water out of it instantly. You gotta use an oily grease!"
Spock: "But that would cause the condom to break."
McCoy: "Spock, you are a smart fella. I can't believe you never heard of polyurethane skins. They've been around since the late twentieth century."
Spock: "Jim is, unfortunately, allergic to those. I suppose Jim and I shall just have to use Crisco and, colloquially speaking, 'ride bareback'."
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McCoy: "Are you out of your Vulcan mind!? Spock, you know as well as I do that Jim plays around a lot. We all love him, but God knows it's unsafe to bareback with him!"
Spock: "Vulcan bodies like mine are much less hospitable to attacking venereal organisms doctor. In my case, I doubt that it need be of any concern."
McCoy (seriously): "I don't care! If you are actually as smart as you obviously like to think you are you'll take your doctor's advice and skip getting fucked in the ass by him unless you have adequete lube AND adequete protection!"
Spock (playfully): "You may be right, but I'm sorry, doctor. I can't promise I will always remember to do that!"
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?