These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!

This Episode: "Peace My Ass - Part One"

In which Kirk coaxes out Spock's feminine side at a very bad time of the month

Kirk: "What do you know about Organians, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "They are incredibly powerful telepaths, Captain, and militantly peaceful. They promptly enforce their strict no-violence rule. They are a stable, primarily agrarian people that are justifiably famous galaxy-wide for their luxurious textiles, such as carpets and fabric."

Kirk: "That's exactly right, but did you know that one of the most fabulous fashion geniuses in the civilized galaxy has made his home here? I intend to pay him a little visit, and pick up something special!"

Spock: "It seems illogical to buy clothes when Starfleet supplies all that we need."

Kirk: "Well, there's need and need, Spock! Clothes are for more than to cover your nakedness: beautiful clothes are food for the soul!"

Spock: "I can't imagine what you mean."

Kirk: "You won't have to imagine! You're coming with me! I'm going to get you out of that uniform today, and you're gonna thank me!"

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Spock: "The town is practically deserted!"

Kirk: "Au contrare, mon frere. They're just all asleep! This is a party town. Up all night, sleep all day. And we'll be partying with them, tonight, Mon Cher, looking like royalty!" (flirtatiously) "You can be the queen if you want!"

Spock: "I can't believe you traveled halfway across the quadrant to...really? You'd let me be the pretty one this time?"

Kirk: "You've always been the pretty one!"

Spock: "Oh, stop! You don't mean that!"

Kirk: "Yes I do! But don't take my word for it! I love you so much I can't possibly be objective!"

Spock (blushing): "Oh, Jim!"

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Kirk: "Well? What d'ya think? Huh? Is she just too fabulous for words, or WHAT!?"

Fashion Designer: "Oh my yes! We have a lot we can work with here! The figure's good, the eyes are wonderful. I won't even touch them, or the hair. The hair is perfect: tres chic!"

Spock (glowing): "I've been told many times I have nice eyes."

Fashion Designer: "Of course you are tall enough... we'll keep you in flats. Why are you hiding your hands? You don't bite your nails do you?"

Kirk: "Hell no! Spock's nails are perfect. I love those hands! First thing I ever noticed about her was her hands!"

Spock: "Really? You like them? I always thought they were So Large..."

Kirk (happily): "Yeah! They're huge! Bet you could put your hand flat on a dinner plate and pick it right up!"

Spock (puzzled): "That seems a dubious..."

Fashion Designer (quickly): "Yes, well, they are quite... grand. The way to... bring them visually into proportion is to... do everything large. Large blocks of color, sweeping, draping, dramatic... oh pardon me! I'm just thinking out loud now."

Spock: "Fascinating experience. I had no idea I was a Winter!"

Kirk: "Not your fault. There is no Winter where you come from. Like the rags? What'd I tellya? Huh? Are these beyond divine and over the moon, all the way to davoom, or what?"

Spock: "Jim, I must say...I'm experiencing a rare emotion."

Kirk: "Well, good for you! Ride it cowgirl! Go with it!"

Spock: "I never would have had the courage to try this on my own. I feel so... I feel so... I don't know WHAT I'm feeling! Jim, what am I feeling right now?"

Kirk: "Glamorous!"

Spock: "No..."

Kirk: "Sexy!"

Spock: "No. Well, yes, but that's not new..."

Kirk: "Look, I don't know what you are feeling, but you look glamorous and sexy, and I Feel Proud to be with you!"

Spock (touched): "Oh, Jim!"

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Kirk: "What th'! How the hell did you end up here, Kor!? What'd ya do, accidently throw your uglifier into reverse?"

Kor: "Kirk! We meet again! Good Lord, Terran, what have you done to yourself? You look like an unmade bed!"

Spock: "Commander Kor, what are you up to? You can't possibly be here to add to your wardrobe and improve your appearance."

Kor: "Aren't you sweet!? It's true! There's not any room for improvement! Too bad I can't say the same for you!"

Kirk: "You'd better not be here to start any trouble. I'm here on holiday, and I'd take it personally if you spoiled it for me."

Kor (laughs heartily): "I could never improve on the way you've already spoiled things yourself! I should thank you! Looking at you and your ridiculous companion in your pathetic tourist muu-muus is the funniest thing I've seen all day!"

[to be continued...]

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