These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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[On the planet surface...]
Kirk: "Bones! I got a biiiiiiiig problem!"
McCoy: "What's that, Jimmy boy?"
Kirk: "Spock has been exposed to a local plant that makes him act like a sex-crazed three year old. Now he wants to play house with Leila Kalomi!"
McCoy: "You mean Spock wants enjoy heterosexual intercourse with a fine looking young woman? Yep, this is one heap big medical emergency all right!"
Kirk: "Belay the sarcasm. He's not in his right mind. She had no idea how it would effect him. There outta be a law! You gotta help me find an antidote."
McCoy: "Why doncha just be patient and let nature take its course? It's bound to wear off sometime, then you'll have Spock back and Spock will have memories to last a lifetime. Besides, if Spock's busy with somebody else, it will free you up to be with somebody else for a change!"
Kirk: "Somebody like you, maybe? You haven't been sniffin' those big flowers have you?"
McCoy: "Why not?"
Kirk: "No offense Bones, but when Spock's in trouble it doesn't exactly put me in the mood. Look, if you're not going to help me then I guess I am forced to wait. I might as well authorize shore leave for everybody in the meantime."
[Back aboard the ship]
Kirk: "Yeah, go on, get outta here, go nuts! Check out the satyr plants, I hear they are a pretty potent aphrodisiac. Just try to avoid Mr. Spock: they had a weird effect on him."
Crewman: "Captain, aren't you going ashore too?"
Kirk: "Naw. I need to get some deep thinking done."
Crewman: "Deep thinking? What's that, some new euphemism for it?"
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[Kirk transports Spock up to the empty ship]
Kirk: "Surprise! Welcome home, Daddy! I got everybody off the ship so we could have the whole place to ourselves! We can make all the noise we want now! Wanna do it in the Gym? Wanna do it naked in the Captain's chair!? The sky's the limit, the ship and me are both all yours!"
Spock: "You made me go bye-bye!"
Kirk: "Uh, yeah, well, I beamed you up without warning 'cause it's supposed to be a surprise. You were surprised, weren't ya? See? That's how you know a surprise is working!"
"Me want mommy Wiwah! Me go go back, go bunnywuv mommy Wiwah, now."
Kirk: "Nobunny is bunnywuving anybody. That bitch bent your mind with a drug! It's not fair! You don't really wuv her, you wuv me! Try to remember!"
"Me wuv bunnywuv. It's my bunnywunnywuv time. Mommy said so! Mommy said I bunnywuv with her, and me go snuggle, and you made me go bye-bye. Dat was bad."
Kirk: "Dat was not bad. Dat was good. Dat's 'cause me wuv you. You don't bunnywuv with Wiwah. Me mad at bad Wiwah. You bunnywuv with me, not bad, bad Wiwah. Wiwah's A WHORE! "
Spock: "Wiwah's no whore, Wiwah is nice. You a whore!"
Kirk (earnestly): "Only for you! 'Cause me wuv you! Stay here until the effect wears off Spock, let me take care of you."
Spock (skeptical): "You bunnywuv? You bunnywuv me?"
Kirk: "You know I'd wuv you like almost any animal you can name, but actually a bunny is not my first choice. Could I interest you in some Wionwuv, or Bearwuv, something like that?"
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Spock (whining): "Me horny. Me want bunnywunnywuv right now!"
Kirk (freaking out): :::screaming:: "I can't STAND you like this! You are making me SICK! You're disgusting! God DAMN, Spock, you better snap out of it or I'm going to do something drastic!"
Spock: "Be Nice. Be my bunny. Every bunny needs some bunny sometime."
Kirk (hysterically): "That's it! I've had it! That witch Leila has a stronger stomach than me! Stay where you are! Don't even think of tryin' to touch me while you are like this! Act like a man! One more bunny out of you and I swear I'll lose this belaying pin up yer bunnywuving BUTT!"
Spock (pissed): "Make up your mind you bad, bad boy! Wuv me, or give me Wiwah!"
[Spock advances. Kirk attacks. They punch and kick each other for a while]
Kirk (panting): "I want my Daddy back!"
[Spock slaps Kirk in the face hard, twice, then does it again.]
Kirk (getting teary): "Hey, cut it out!"
Spock: "You cut it out!"
[Spock slaps Kirk again]
Kirk (whining): "Aww, Jeez, do ya hafta slap me like that?"
Spock (stops, abashed): "I'm sorry. I shouldn't hit you so hard."
Kirk: "No, it's OK! Just don't do it all on one side like that! Can you even it up a little? I feel so...so asymmetrical!"
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Spock: "Strange...fighting with you seems to have cleared my head."
Kirk: "Fighting has that effect on you I've noticed!"
Spock: "You scamp! You planned it this way!"
Kirk: "Can you blame me? You think I'm just gonna roll over to have my tummy scratched while some girl tries to take my man?"
Spock: "Leila is no mere girl. She's a woman, and a very desireable one, too."
Kirk: "Desireable, schmireable! She's a bitch! And I want you to TELL that BITCH to sit on a satyr plant and SPIN!"
Spock: "Actually, I'm not anxious to do that."
Kirk: "Whaaaaaat!?"
Spock: "You have your occasional girlfriend...why can't I have one, too?"
Kirk: "What do you need her for!? Don't I take good care of you!?"
Spock: "Jim, I like blowjobs as well as the next man, but that's basically all we ever do! Haven't you ever wanted to fuck? Oh, but what am I saying, and look who I'm saying it to!"
Kirk: "That's not fair! I had sex with women for years before I met you. I can't just turn it off like a faucet."
Spock: "I'm not asking you to turn anything off, but could you turn it around once in a while?"
Kirk: "You wanna bump my butt? Fine! Why didn't you just say so!?"
Spock: "You'll do it?"
Kirk: "Hell YES I'll do it! On one condition: DUMP LEILA!"
Spock: "YOU GOT IT!"
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Leila: "Thank you for inviting me to see your ship. I've never seen a starship before!"
Spock: "Leila, actually, I didn't bring you here to give you a big... tour."
Leila: ::flirting:: "Oh, I see! Well, that's all right too!"
Spock: "No it isn't."
Leila: "What? I don't understand."
Spock: "Leila, please be silent and listen carefully to what I have to say. This is difficult for me. You see, when we first met, I couldn't have given you any love because I had not yet gone through Pon Farr and I wasn't yet a man. I felt no sexual desire at all, back then. Now I am a man, and I know desire. I am capable of sexual feelings. And I am not blind to beauty. Extreme feminine beauty such as yours can be very disturbing and arousing. I certainly can appreciate that you are a lovely woman who is worthy in every way to be loved. But this is not simply a matter of you and me...there is another person in this equation, Leila. There is a man whom I owe my life to many times over, and his feelings must be taken into account!"
Leila: "Who might that be?"
Spock: "My Captain, James T. Kirk. He's more than my Captain. We are more than comrades.... and he's jealous."
Leila: "Are you saying your Captain has the hots for me too? But that's no problem! I'm woman enough for both of you. We can do a three-way."
Spock: "Leila... You SLUT! "
Leila: "I give up! You are impossible to please! Get your hands off me and let me alone, you big pussy-teaser!"
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?