These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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[Kirk and Spock exchange a long look]
Kirk: "Uh, yes, well, thank you, but I'm not sure you will be quite so welcoming when we tell you why we are here..."
Leila: (looking warmly into Spock's eyes) "The only thing that really matters is that you are here. We... I especially... hope you will stay with us for a very long time!"
Kirk: (irritated) "That's pretty unlikely! You see, it's been discovered that your planet is being bombarded with a deadly amount of radiation from the sun, and we have orders to evacuate you and all survivors before it's too late!"
[Leila moves closer to Spock. He moves away. She follows.]
Leila: (happily) "That won't be necessary, Captain. We are in no danger. We are all in perfect health. We're as sprightly as Spring hares! We love our life here. We're staying!"
Kirk: (interposing himself between Leila and Spock) "That's all well and good, but I hope you won't mind if I have you examined. I have people to answer to, reports to complete, forms to fill out, that sort of thing."
[Kirk glares at Leila as she walks around him to go stand next to Spock]
Leila: "We expected as much, Captain. Examine away! We'll be happy to cooperate." (flirtatiously) "Can you be the one to examine me, Spock?"
Kirk: (seething) "Meet Doctor McCoy, our ship's medical expert. Our Ship's Medical Expert Will Do The Examining, Miss Kalomi. Spock!? C'Mere!"
[Kirk stomps off, Spock follows]
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Spock: "Jim, before you say anything, let me explain...!"
Kirk: "What's to explain!? You already told me you met that slut before. I can see for myself it must have gotten pretty deeply cozy, despite the fact that you told me that I was your first, and now it seems she's hoping for an encore! What's to explain!?"
Spock: "Jim, I can't explain why Leila Kalomi seems so overly familiar, but I can tell you that I NEVER gave her ANY reason for her manner or behavior! She's nothing to me!"
Kirk: "Oh, yeah!? Maybe you should tell HER that!"
Spock: "I shall!"
Kirk: "When!?"
Spock: "Right now!"
[Spock turns on his heel, but Kirk grabs his arm]
Kirk: "Hey, Spock, be careful."
Spock: "What do you mean?"
Kirk: (quietly) "Well, you know, discretion being the better part of valor and all, be tactful about how you handle it. We don't need any angry, scorned-woman weird shit complicating things."
Spock: "Don't worry Jim, I'll let her down gently."
Kirk: "Smack her down hard, I don't care! Just don't say anything about us!"
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Spock: "Leila, can we talk somewhere privately for a few minutes? I have something important to tell you."
Leila (thrilled): "I know the perfect place! Let's stand over here, really close to this thick, succulent clump of fragrant satyr blossoms!"
Spock: "Evocative name for such an ugly plant."
Leila: :::giggling::: "You'll understand when you smell one, Spock! Don't they smell wonderful?"
[Spock hesitantly takes a whiff]
Spock (retching): "Ohhh! UGH! That has got to be the most disgusting thing...!"
Leila: "I don't understand...nobody has ever been disgusted before. Everybody else who smells them loves them, and gets super-horny! Any normal red-blooded heterosexual male gets a hard-on right away!"
Spock: "It should be painfully obvious to even a self-absorbed, brainless cunt like you that I'm not a normal, red-blooded... "
Leila: ::cringing:: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
[Spock suddenly drops to his knees, clutching his crotch, screaming]
Spock: "AAAAaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggg!"
Leila: ::anxiously embracing Spock:: "Oh my God, what have I done! Oh NO! Speak to me! Spock? SPOCK!"
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[Meanwhile, back at the compound]
Kirk: "Welp, it looks like these folks are perfectly healthy and happy, and that they don't wanna leave! We do not have orders to evict them against their will, so I guess we're off the hook! Let's round up Spock and be on our merry way! Anybody know where Spock went? No? OK, no problem, I'll just give him a squawk on the box. (opens communicator) Kirk to Spock. Kirk to Spock. Come in, Spock."
Spock (grunting): "Ohh, unh! Oh, unh!"
[commmunicator crackles. Kirk taps it a couple of times and tries again]
Kirk: "Spock, you're, uh, not coming in too clear. Please adjust..."
Spock (grunting louder): "Up! Up! In! In! Ahh!"
[The guys throw Kirk a funny look. Kirk steps away from them to continue his conversation]
Kirk (quietly): "S'matter, Daddy, couldn't you wait for milking time? Why not just ask me? I'm always there for you...unless I don't know where you are. Where are you, anyway?"
Spock (growling): "Down! Down, on the ground, in the dirt, where pigs like you belong!"
Kirk (aroused): :::laughing::: "Very funny, Spock! OK, I'll play your little game. You hide, and I'll come seek, is that what you want?"
Spock: "Yeah! YEAH! Come! COME! Aaaahhhh!"
Kirk (merrily): " O-Kay! Well, if there ain't no beach I guess the dirt'll have to do!" (to his men) "Gentlemen, it seems I have a date!"
Sulu: "Captain, Mr. Spock didn't sound like himself at all. Maybe a couple of us should come with you, for safety's sake!"
Kirk: "Yeah well, you don't know him like I do, but, hmmm...come to think of it, maybe you are right. OK, come along, but one signal from me and you jokers disappear, ya savvy!?"
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[After hunting around for over an hour]
"Oh! HERE you are Spock! Hey! Where's your uniform?"
Leila: "Captain, I lent Spock this jumpsuit because we needed to throw his uniform in with the laundry."
Spock: :::giggling::: "Me had an accident!"
Kirk: "An accident!? What'd you do, fall on your head? Miss Kalomi, what's going on here!?"
Leila: "The satyr blossoms have affected him in a very strange way. He alternates between acting like a sex-maniac to acting like a three-year-old boy."
Kirk: "SATYR BLOSSOMS!?"
Leila: "They are a harmless aphrodisiac. I just thought he needed a little help to get over his Vulcan inhibitions."
Kirk (angrily): "What were you thinking!?"
Leila: "Captain, Mr. Spock knows I've been jonesing for his hot Vulcan bod for a long time! I asked Spock to smell the satyr blossoms, because it makes men horny, and..."
Kirk (horrified): "Did you and him just...do the nasty?"
Leila: "I wish!"
Spock (brightly): "Like you always say, I 'fired a warning shot', Jim!"
Kirk (embarrassed): "Oh, GEE, Spock! I can't imagine why you might think I'd ever say something like that!"
[Spock spots a butterfly and runs off to chase it.]
Kirk (livid): "Now see here Kalomi, I know you think what you did was harmless, but seriously, Spock did not need an aphrodisiac! I know this may be hard to believe, but just because a guy doesn't ever want to do it with you doesn't mean he has a problem!"
[To Be Continued...]
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?