Kirk: "Wooo! Weird! I feel woozy!"
Mirror Spock: "Mr. Kyle, you handled that operation very clumsily. It's the agonizer for you!"
[Kyle screams like a girl as he is tortured, then calmly resumes his place when it stops]
Mirror Spock: "How did you enjoy torturing the Halkan king, Captain?"
Kirk: Huh? HEY, SPOCK! Nice beard! What an interesting look for you! Hmm! I like it!
Mirror Spock (stunned): "You noticed?"
[Kyle snickers. Spock casually tortures him with the agonizer again]
Kirk: "Whoa, Spock! For cryin' out loud, try decaffeinated! (looking at himself) Hey! What's this, Spock, some kind of surprise costume party? You devil! You shouldn't have! Say, what's the occasion? I didn't forget another anniversary did I?"
Mirror Spock (disconcerted): :::sputtering::: "I...you...w-what...fft!?"
Uhura: "Captain, look at yourself!"
Kirk: "Look at YOU, Uhura! NICE BOOTS! Woo-hoo! Works for me!"
Mirror Spock (disturbed): "Captain, that was an uncommonly rough beam-up. You all are obviously disoriented. I strongly suggest that you report to sickbay, all of you, for evaluation, and if necessary, torture."
[minutes later, in sickbay]
Kirk: "Sweet mother of pearl! When we beamed up during that magnetic storm we seem to have beamed up into a weird parallel universe where torture is the answer to everything and everyone is a flaming fairy! Are we hallucinating, Bones?"
McCoy: "If we are then I am too, so I'd be no judge."
Kirk: "It's like a dream come true!"
Scotty: "Now what do we do, Captain!?"
Kirk: "Try to fit in. Let's use the computer to figure out what the heck we are supposed to be doing and what our next move should be. Report to your stations for now, and just fake it."
Uhura: "Captain, I don't know how to fake it."
Kirk: "That's not what I heard about you, Uhura."
Uhura: "That was different, Captain! It was a party, that was a contest, and besides, I was drunk!"
Kirk: "Well, this is important too! Get drunk again if it will help you! Do what you have to!"
McCoy (sarcastically): "Great idea! We should all be at our best in a situation like this!"
Scotty: "Can I get drunk too, Captain?"
Kirk: "Since when do you ask me, Scotty!?"
[minutes later, in the Captain's cabin...]
Sexy babe: "Since when do you use the computer for something besides Doom? "
Kirk (startled): "Don't sneak up on me like that! What's it to you?"
Sexy babe: "I'm surprised. When you wanted my help downloading porn last night you couldn't even work the mouse for yourself, now look at you!"
Kirk (faking it): "Well, you're a great teacher! Come on, uh, honey, I'm not really that helpless. Guess I got you pretty good!"
Sexy babe: "Oh, I should have known. Everything is a big game to you."
Kirk: "Let's play another: let's pretend that we just met! Hi there little honey, I'm Jim, what's your name!?"
Sexy babe: ":::giggle::: My name is Anita Fuckrightnow"
Kirk: ":::giggle::: Interesting name! So, uh, Miss Fuckrightnow..."
Sexy babe (panting): "OK, if you say so!"
["Anita" starts climbing Jim, petting him all over, kisses him]
Kirk: "Oh, wow! Hey, wait a minute....::gasp:: No, really, stop. I got something important that I have to do first."
[she plants a deep, wet kiss on him, then clings to him, looking deeply into his eyes]
Sexy babe (seductively): "What? What do you gotta do?"
[she rubs against him, pinches his nipples]
Kirk: "Oh, I have GOT to get RID of these PANTS! Adios, pantelones! Farewell, my pants... goodbye!"
Scotty: "Where were YOU all afternoon, while we were puzzling out a solution to this problem, Captain?"
Kirk: "Trust me, I was hard at work! I came up empty. What did you come up with?"
Scotty: "I figured out that if we don't transfer back to our own universe within four hours, we'll be stuck here forever!"
Kirk: "So we've got only four more hours to play around with?"
Scotty: "We had four hours. Now we have twenty minutes!"
Kirk: "I knew it was too good to last. Well, what are we waiting for?"
Scotty: "Uhura has to create a distraction on the bridge, because what I'm going to have to do down here will make Sulu's panel light up like a Christmas tree, and we don't want him raisin' an alarm."
Kirk: "OK, Uhura, I assume you know how to distract Sulu..."
Uhura: "Oh yeah, I got his number."
Kirk: "Good girl. Go get him!"
[moments later, on the bridge]
Uhura: "C'mere Sulu, I want to talk to you!"
Mirror Sulu: "What are you bothering me for, you big bull dyke?"
Uhura: "I may be a dyke, but you aren't, are you!?"
Mirror Sulu (trembling): "What...what are you implying!?"
Uhura (imperiously): "I'm not implying anything. I'm telling you to lick my boots, you little worm!"
Mirror Sulu (thrilled): "Thank you!"
[Mirror Sulu falls to the ground and starts licking. His panel lights up like a Christmas tree. Meanwhile, in sickbay...]
Mirror Spock: "Doctor McCoy, it has not escaped my notice that you stopped torturing your patients with your weird medical experiments, and you also seem to have cleaned up around here for once."
McCoy (modestly): "Just doing my job."
Mirror Spock: "You're doing everything in a highly irregular fashion. Who are you really, and what have you done with our real doctor!?"
[Mirror Spock forces McCoy up against the wall and mind-rapes him.]
Mirror Spock: "Hello, 'Captain'. Stop what you are doing. I am aware of what's going on. You are attempting to beam yourself and those of the latest landing party back to your own universe without telling me, like it's none of my beeswax. "
Kirk: "Nothing personal. LOVE the beard."
Mirror Spock: "What is ~Miss Thing~ doing here? "
Kirk: "What, who, you mean Miss Fuckmenow over there? She's nothing to me!"
Mirror Spock: "WHAT did you call Lt. Moreno!?"
Sexy babe: "Leave me out of this!"
Kirk: "Look, Spock, if you know what's going on then you know Miss whatshername isn't my girlfriend, she's your Captain's. I never saw her before today. She was hiding in his cabin. I borrowed her for a little while, but what was I supposed to do? She was beggin' for it."
Sexy babe (outraged): "He's lying!" (to Jim) "Are you trying to get us both killed!? You're crazy!"
Mirror Spock (amazed): "I don't believe it. My Captain is...a secret heterosexual? No wonder he never took a tumble for me!"
Kirk: "Guy's gotta be blind. You're a great lookin' guy! Seriously, I love this look for you. The beard, the sash, everything. It so totally works for me! "
Mirror Spock (moved): "You think!? I've dreamed of hearing such words from anyone, but especially from you. But you are not you. You are someone else. As much as I dislike this on a personal level, on a purely professional level I'm obliged to tell you that you gotta go!"
Kirk: "Too bad! I would have liked more time to get to know you better. "
Mirror Spock: "If you are trying to give me a hard-on, it's working."
[their gazes lock. Suddenly, the landing party runs in...]
Scotty: "Captain! We only have a couple of minutes before it's too late! It's now or never!"
Kirk: "Spock's gonna help us! Get in position everybody!"
[they take their places on the transporter]
Mirror Spock: "Ready to transport..."
Kirk: "Spock! Wait! I have some advice for you! Now that you know Kirk's dirty little secret, maybe you can use that information to help you to get what you want."
Mirror Spock: "I know. All I have to do is expose his heterosexuality and he's done for, but I don't want to be Captain. Jim's an excellent Captain, and I admire him too much to ruin his career."
Kirk: "Don't ruin his career! Help him! But ask him to help you too! Tell him you'll keep his little secret if he'll, you know, do something special for you once in a while!"
Mirror Spock: "Are you suggesting that I blackmail him for sex? Great idea! But if he's het that will get me nowhere."
Kirk: "Trust me, he's not that het. He's jonesin' for your dick and just is afraid to tell you."
Mirror Spock: "He's a BOTTOM!? No WONDER I haven't gotten anywhere! I've been going about this all wrong!"
[Meanwhile, back in the regular universe]
Spock: "I will not use Jim as bait to get women. That is SICK!"
Mirror Kirk: "Think about it! Once the bitch is in bondage what's she gonna do? It's just as easy for her to do both of you. Why give either one of 'em a choice? Put him in bondage too! He'll thank you for it. He'd RATHER be the one who's tied up! Remember that! He's just too embarrased to tell you."
Spock (blushing): "Right. You're off."
[Spock begins transporting Mirror Kirk's party]
Mirror Kirk: "Seriously! Think about it!"
Spock: "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!"