I have received some criticism for "playing on both teams" instead of being faithful to Spock, or picking one lady and being faithful to her, as if whom I choose to make love with is everybody's and anybody's business, when in fact it's not. I usually ignore these snipers, these Stinging Gnats Of Love, because that's all they usually deserve, but I would just once like to say one thing about my situation that I wish more people would remember:
Spock's great disadvantage is he doesn't have instinct on his side. His own instincts are confused, and the instincts of others prime them for creatures like themselves, not for a rarity like him.
Spock's in a tough spot, sexually speaking. He is ultimately very lonely, in the physical sense, even with his fantastic ability to meld minds, which is like going to see a movie for him. For a while he can forget himself and blend with someone else, but he can't sustain that moment. Sooner or later he's back in his unique body, lonely as God, with no sense of common sympathy with anyone around him. That's not his fault, but it is his burden. The only thing that makes it my problem is I love him. So we share the burden. I'm not saying that makes me a hero, but it doesn't make me the bad guy either.
I love women. I've always loved them, especially certain special ladies. :) Spock likes me fine the way I am, and that's part of who I am. Unfortunately he struggles with some pretty primitive feelings of possessiveness and jealousy, and you know what? So do I! But neither Spock nor I feel that such emotions deserve any respect.
We have feelings for each other that aren't very neat and tidy, and sometimes other people get involved and that's not neat and tidy, but so what? Life in general is not neat and tidy. Why should sex, the root urge of life itself, be tidy when nothing it spawns is? Let's be reasonable!
I experience feelings with a woman that are part of my human birthright, that I can't get any other way, and by the way, the ladies seem to like it too. Spock can't participate as fully in this as we both wish he could, except vicariously. When we meld, I can share my experience with him, and although it is a bittersweet thing, which stirs ambivalence in both of us, it's still a very important thing to us and one which we happen to cherish. It's also our PRIVATE thing, and past a certain point I'm making no attempt to explain or defend it.
There are women who can't get skin to skin without immediately dreaming of marriage, but that's their problem, not mine. If a woman is honest with me about wanting a husband I'll honestly tell her to look elsewhere, but how often does that happen? We all have our little secrets, including secret agendas, but I've always been tender and respectful with my women lovers. I never intentionally hurt anyone, unless they intentionally are asking for it. Women have hurt me, plenty of times! Half the time I had it coming! Sure, it would be better if all could be tidied up and made perfect, but if we waited for things to be perfect before making a move no one would ever accomplish anything.
People are imperfect, life is imperfect, and that's part of what makes everything beautiful. If you can't laugh at imperfection and live with it you are just going to be miserable, and being miserable is something I personally never plan to do. In fact, I plan to avoid it, and I urge you to do likewise.
All site contents Copyright L. Goodwin 1990 - 2002
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