These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!

This Episode: Kirk On Leave, Part Two

In which Kirk indulges his dirty desires and trusts that it will all come out in the wash

[While on leave on the magical "Shore Leave" planet...]

Finnegan: "Hey Piggy, I see you managed to shake your pointy-eared chaperone! Does he know about the disgusting way you abased yourself with your reptilian trick?"

Kirk: "Everybody's a critic! ~What~ was disgusting about it? I thought I was pretty damn amazing! HE sure was impressed!

Finnegan: "He who!? Your slimy-ass boyfriend or your moldly old babysitter!?"

Kirk: "You got a pretty big mouth! Maybe I should come up there and STUFF IT FOR YOU!"

Finnegan: "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! I'll come to you!"

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Kirk: "Suck my dick!"

Finnegan: "Kiss my ass!!"

Kirk: "Pussy!"

Finnegan: "Pig!"

Kirk: "Kiss me!"

Finnegan: "Mmmm!" ::Whimper::

Spock: "JIM! You Slut!"

Kirk: "SPOCK!?"

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Spock: "I must say, I am astounded at you. Have you not one scrap of dignity? Not ONE CRUMB!?"

Kirk: "Spock...no! I don't! The dignity well has run dry! I hate like hell for you to see me like this, but frankly, if you hadn't been sneaking around spying on me you wouldn't have had to! Why do you torture yourself like this? After all we've done and been together, I can't believe you don't trust me. That hurts!"

Spock: "You don't believe...YOU! I... :::sputter:::"

Kirk: "Spock, if you want to watch, why don't you just ask me, instead of stalking me, sneakin' and peepin'? Jeez! Another thing: If you are going to be sneaky, at least don't get caught. Face it, we wouldn't be having this little chat if I'd never known you were there!"

Spock: "Really. Will that be all, ~Captain~? May I go cut my wrists now?"

Kirk: "Look, I appreciate that you are looking after me, but isn't this getting just a little obsessive? You worry too much. I can take care of myself!"

Spock: "Yet, somehow, you always need help doing this! And usually from the lowest sort of person!"

Kirk: "Spock. I'm On Leave. It's Been Months. I Need This."

Spock: "Fine. You take your leave, AND I'LL TAKE MINE!"

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Kirk: "Oh, that's it, that's the answer! Run away! Typical Vulcan confrontation-phobia...guess I should've seen THAT coming! The Vulcan never lived who could look at a simple human emotion and not flinch! Aww! Didums get a little dust on ums booties? Can't have that! Not when we're a prissy, sissy pussy-wussy mama's boy who's freakish donkey-fucking mother wouldn't let her little gentleman's feet touch the ground for the first five years of his hermetically-sealed LIFE! Hey, what cha coming back for Mister Pouty-Puss? YOU GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO ME!?"

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[Later...]

Kirk: "Leo Ra 5, here we come! Warp factor four Mr. Sulu."

Sulu: "Warp factor four it is, Captain."

Kirk: "Ah, it's good to be back in the saddle!"

Spock: "Which reminds me: Captain, may I ask a question about our shore leave experience?"

Kirk: "Did you wish to speak with me in private, Mr. Spock?" (wink)

Spock: "Logically, why bother? After the Metron broadcast the whole sordid affair via pay-per-view it's not as if we have any secrets left!"

Kirk: "Correct as always Mr. Spock. Fire away!"

Spock: "My question is: Why are you such a sick bitch?"

Kirk: "Spock, by that do you mean why do I get off on being beat up and raped and stuff like that?"

Spock: "Yes."

Kirk: "I suppose for the same reason you insist on being a party to it! I didn't invite you...you invited yourself! Explain that! (Rising in his chair, speaking louder) "While we are on the subject, if it's such an unusual fascination, then how come every ding-dong person aboard this vessel from the lowliest crewman on up was watching, instead of minding their own ding-dong business!?"

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