These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Kirk: "Interesting planet: I just found a vibrating dildo laying on the ground, and it's only one of many. It appears they grow on trees around here. I always wondered where those come from! Now I'm set for life. Spock will be so relieved!
"Speaking of relief, now might be as good a time as any to give this little fella a try! ~Wanna have some fun with me boy?~
"Good thing I brought rope and extra batteries. You know what they say: 'A good scout is always prepared!' I think I'll tie myself to that big rock in the sun over there to jerk off. That way I can work on my tan at the same time."
"Gorn": "Well hello there handsome! You look like you could use a little company!"
Kirk: "Uh yeah, hi there. Look, can you hold off for about twenty minutes? I'm not done tying myself up yet."
"Gorn": "Skip the tying-up part! I want you, need you NOW!"
Kirk: "Then skip the sweet-talk too! FUCK ME STUPID!"
"Gorn": "One question: Are you calling me stupid, or do you want me to fuck you until you ARE stupid?"
Kirk: "Oh, jeez-louise, I'll explain later! Just fucking fuck me!"
"Gorn": "::groan::!" Kirk: "Had enough? ::chuckle:: Not So Big and Bad Now, huh baby!?"
Spock: ::cough:: "Ahem!"
Kirk: "Spock!? What are you doing up there on that rock!?
But...but...I thought it was YOU, Daddy! I did! I thought it was you in a rubber suit! Honest!"
Spock: "What exactly would make you think I'd pull such a stunt?"
Kirk: "Daaaa-dee! You could do anee-thing, and I'd let you! You know that! I love you Daddy: only you! Only you! I mean that!"
Metron: "I saw the whole thing! Honey, that was hot, hot, HOT!
Kirk: "EX-Cuuuse Me!? I Don't Believe Anyone Was Talking To You, MARY!"
Metron: I hope you don't mind - I took a few pictures!"
Spock: "I must insist you send me copies. Better yet, sell me your camera, film and all."
Kirk: "Spock, relax! I'll Just Get The Camera, gimmee a second...!"
Metron: "::squeal!:: Oh! Help! Help! ::giggle::!"
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Kirk: "WHY is everybody staring at me like that?"
Spock: "Captain... The Metron was broadcasting your little adventure live on the net. That's how I knew where you were."
[long pause]
Kirk: "...Don't...ANY...of you PEOPLE have more productive things to do than watch grainy, cheap-ass, live web-cam porn!?
Look, when I'm here, I'm here to work, and I expect the same from all of you. When I'm not working, I play. When you are not working, you can go play too, and I hope at that time that you each have a ~perfectly wonderful~ time.
Until that time, Get Back To Work!"
[To be continued...]
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?