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To some this may seem a preposterous idea, but actually LOTS of people argue that Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock are lovers. I go further than that. I say they are kinky as hairpins. HERE'S PROOF!

Beat All That You Can Eat

Part 1: Captain James T. Kirk - Nuthin' But Tribble


Captain Kirk: nuthin' but tribble

When an irresistible force - like Kirk
Meets an immovable object - like Spock
You can bet a check that is blank...
Somewhere, somehow, Someone's Gonna Pull Rank!

Kirk is Konsistantly Kinky, especially with Spock. What about the time he provokes Spock into a big fight (This side of Paradise), lets himself get thrown around, then cheerfully volunteers to forget the whole thing ever happened? Then he gets himself invited into a big fight with Spock at what was supposed to be Spock's wedding (Amok time), gets the stuffing kicked out of him, and then cheerfully welcomes Spock back to duty without a hint of a rebuke. Spock sent Kirk flying across the room with a single smack in The Naked Time, and got away with it. Then there's Kirk's peculiar eagerness to have Spock climb up on his tortured back to change a light bulb in Patterns of Force. Spock's apparently up for it, which is what's really disturbing, but I guess once you've massaged an acid-secreting Horta, nothing fazes you anymore.

Look at "Patterns of Force": Spock and Kirk run around in Nazi uniforms, get captured, and whipped, and thrown into a cell together. While imprisoned they rip a piece of metal off a bunk bed, cut themselves open to retrieve electric implants, which Spock then cleverly uses to form a crude laser-type thing. Kirk volunteers to kneel down and let Spock climb up on his well-whipped back, so Spock can get close to the cell light bulb. Spock creates excuses to prolong his stay on top of Kirk (to humorous effect). Spock uses the makeshift device to magnify the light, and direct the resulting laser-type beam towards the lock on the cell door, which the light cuts open. Kirk is visibly relieved, *then* reminds Spock to get down.

How many more, Sir?

Kirk: His Own Words

Watching Gamesters of Triskelion, I was stuck once again by the totally unsubtle way Kirk spends the whole hour trying everything he can think of to get whipped some more.

Kirk to Galt: "Hey! No fair! The deal was I get Uhura and Chekov's punishment too! Hey! Wake up! I was the one that was naughty, not Shana...punish *me*, dang it! And what's this about how when I seduced my drill thrall I "amused the Providers", so I don't get punished this time? You mean I just wasted the whole afternoon being naughty for nothing!? Jeez! WHAT'S A GUY GOTTA DO!?"

Kirk, talking some sense into another slave

"Quit bellyaching! You don't know how lucky you are! Love your collar!
BECOME ONE WITH THE COLLAR!"

In Shore Leave, when Kirk could have imagined anything and it would come true, he ended up spending more time getting kicked around by his dear old SF academy bully than he did playing nice with his ex-girlfriend. Things that make you go, "Hmmm!"

Why, YES, Mr. Spock, I DID enjoy myself!

How come when the guys are getting tortured in The Empath, he's the only one who gets stripped to the waist? Come to think of it, how come Kirk is always getting stripped, whipped, chained to the wall or locked in a cell, 'n' stuff? It can't be just that we, the audience demanded it, no. I mean, it's coming from him: he keeps getting himself into these situations. We just watch (which says as much about us as it does about him).

"Are you Enjoying Yourselves,
you SADISTS!?"

A Well-Hung Kirk

Speaking of Star Trek in general, the show deliberately imagined a future where bigotry was a thing of the past. Every minority had a prominent representative on the bridge:

  1. Uhura = African-Americans, and Women
  2. Sulu = Asian-Americans
  3. Chekov = Russian Non-Americans (when they were still very feared)
  4. Bones = Constipated-Americans
  5. Scotty = Alcoholic-Americans
  6. Spock = Inhuman-Americans
  7. Kirk = Kinko-Americans

That the main roles of Kirk and Spock were played by Jews was an important way to represent another minority community.

Basically, Star Trek was about imagining a future where everybody who is marginalized in our day was, at that happy future time, In Charge: the heroic stars of the show. All of our modern-day assumptions and follies were challenged on a weekly basis. When you really think about it, it's a wonder the show lasted as long as it did.

Seen in this light, Kirk's special symbolic role becomes obvious, and suddenly some of the inexplicable things he did become easy to understand. Oh! NOW you get it! He's a truly dedicated and capable Star Ship Captain, in public. In private, he's a smart-ass masochist. Masochists of this type are common, but men with Kirk's combination of talent and appeal, kinky or not, are rare. That's what makes him such an entertaining character: he's genuinely heroic and (at times) genuinely pervy. In either case, he's always exemplary.


Some of the more entertaining Star Trek episodes, spotlighting Trek's Kinko-American:

Great party!  I ache all over! (Plato's)Kirk kneels for the Dolman (Elaan)OK, now fall on your ass! LOL (Charlie)Kirk in typical pose with Garth (Whom Gods)
Fun, huh Spock! (Catspaw)Relax, guys, I know what I'm doing! (Brain)What's a guy gotta do to get his ass whipped around here!? (Patterns)WHY is this man SMILING!? (Amok)

  1. "The Squire of Gothos": Kirk offers himself as a plaything to a fruity but powerful super-being in exchange for his crew's freedom. At Kirk's suggestion, a manly game of Hunt-the-Hunk then ensues.
  2. "Gamesters Of Triskelion": Kirk spends the whole episode acting naughty so he'll get whipped some more. God, he looks hot in his harness. If Kirk can't mate in captivity, someone forgot to tell him. The Providers are so impressed with his uppity spirit that they brand him with pink triangles. At the end, he fondly keeps the harness as a souvenir.
  3. "Plato's Stepchildren": Kirk and Spock are forced to don little tiny tunics and stuff. Kirk is humiliated in numerous ways, including being forced to slap himself in the face. Kirk makes such a sexy horsey-boy! In the end, he seems a little too quick to forgive his abusers.
  4. "The Naked Time": The Enterprise is infected by a disease that makes people act roaring drunk. Nurse Chapel confesses love to Spock, who blows her off (with an apology). Kirk then corners the emotionally overwrought Spock who confesses to having tender feelings for him. Kirk inflames Spock by slapping him several times hard in the face. Spock slaps him back so hard that Kirk goes flying. Kirk starts complaining that running the ship gives him no time for a relationship. Scotty interrupts at this point, so they don't kiss passionately and fall down to fuck like beasts, but DAMN NEAR.
  5. "Catspaw": Kirk and Spock spend half the episode shackled to the wall of a dungeon, and don't seem to mind too much. Korob and Sylvia admit they got the dungeon template from Kirk's subconscious.
  6. "Dagger Of The Mind": Kirk, while investigating funny goings-on at a penal colony, convinces his pretty gal sidekick-du-jour to try the comfy torture chair thingy on him. When bad guy du jour Dr. Adams takes over and gets medieval on Jim, our boy shows he has an amazingly high tolerance for torture. Later, when the guards fetch him for more torture, he goes along with them rather too cheerfully.
  7. "Amok Time": Spock goes into heat, takes a fully consenting Kirk with him to his wedding, and ends up dumping his bride for Kirk after they kick each other around for a while. The scene where an ecstatic, smiling Spock embraces Kirk spawned the multi-billion page, underground K/S erotica industry.
  8. "This Side Of Paradise": Kirk gets jealous when Spock falls for a girl, so he provokes a big fight, gets the stuffing kicked out of him by Spock, then they kiss and make up and Spock dumps the girl.
  9. "Shore Leave": The crew of the Enterprise take shore leave on a magical planet where everything you wish for comes true...Kirk spends a good part of the day fighting with a bully he fondly remembers from his Starfleet academy days.
  10. "What Are Little Girls Made Of?": WHO CARES!? What we really want to know is, how did we get so lucky as to have two, not one but two naked Kirks strapped down helpless on a table! Stop The Plot Right There! OK, good! Now turn the whole story just a little to the left! This is only one of the episodes where Kirk gets all sexy while imprisoned. He convinces his female android prison guard to play kissing games with him. Something about being a prisoner turns him on!
  11. "A Piece of the Action": Kirk convinces Spock to dress up and play gangster with him! This is only one of the many episodes where Kirk undresses and dresses Spock and plays with him as if he's a big doll.
  12. "The Enterprise Incident": Role reversal fun. Kirk crossdresses as a Romulan, and Spock gets to be the one who seduces the enemy chick this time. More "Dress up and play Let's Pretend", with Jimmy and Spooky.
  13. "Patterns Of Force": Kirk undresses Spock and himself and they dress up like Nazis, but Spock can't pass. They get caught, stripped, whipped, and thrown into a cell with only one bunk! Oh my gosh, somebody isn't going to get much sleep tonight! Later, there is an incredible scene where Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are all literally in a closet together dressed as Nazis! Put beers in their hands and it would look like "Uniform night" at the RAMROD.
  14. "Charlie X": Kirk finally meets a man he can really respect. A teen with godlike powers but no clue how to use them. Kirk dresses himself and the boy in red tights and throws the kid around in the Gym for a while. Kirk trying to explain why Charlie shouldn't spank Yeoman Rand is painful to watch. I mean, there is no right way to hit a woman...but man to man, that's something else!
  15. "Bread And Circuses": Kirk is enslaved by a Roman style culture and is slated to die fighting in the arena, but because his captors instinctively sense that he'd enjoy being interrogated, beaten, and raped by the guards too much, they wisely decide to weaken him with a night of whoopee with a state-provided harlot instead. This is the first episode where Kirk mates in captivity.
  16. "Wink Of An Eye" : Not neglecting the ladies, Kirk manages to find himself the prisoner and consort of a lady who's the queen of a super-fast race of people. Kirk is magically accelerated so he can come and go before he even says hello. Kirk mates in captivity, exhibit two.
  17. "The Paradise Syndrome" : Kirk gets amnesia on a primitive world and is required to become the consort of a lady who's the high-priestess of a Indianlike race of people. "Kir-Ock" certainly can mate in captivity, and obviously enjoys himself immensely (as does the lady, who gets knocked-up right away). (Come to think of it, there's NO evidence that Kirk can mate when he's NOT in captivity, but it's comforting to know his guys can swim, at least.)
  18. "City On The Edge Of Forever" : Kirk and Spock travel to a simpler time in Earth's history to share a bedroom. The scene where Kirk brings home groceries to a diligent Spock who's slaving away to fashion a primitive computer for them both is so cozily domestic. Haven't they just been married ~forever~? Oh yeah, and there's some silly lovesick behavior between Kirk and some dame, but the woman dies in the end, much to Spock's relief.
  19. "Elaan Of Troyius": Kirk drops like a rock to his knees when he first meets her. When that doesn't have the desired effect, he threatens her with a spanking and has better luck. Oh, so maybe there IS a right way to hit a woman? Make up your mind, Kirk! Come to think of it, he offers to teach her about an old Earth custom called spanking, but he doesn't really insist on being The SpankER.
  20. "Requiem For Methuselah": Kirk meets a fabulous dame and of course goes batty for her, but in this episode it's finally revealed how Spock goes into Kirk's mind telepathically to erase Kirk's memory of these silly infatuations. Naughty, naughty Spock! But all things considered, I guess FOR HIM that's OK. I mean, it's not as if Kirk's heartache is none of his business, is it?
  21. "Spock's Brain": Kirk and pals visit a wonderful place where women totally rule men, and only Kirk seems to know how to behave. That doesn't stop him from getting punished a lot though. Hell no! In fact, he seems to ask for it. Spock can't wait to give Kirk an earful once he gets his voice back. Oh, we just KNOW there was pillow-talk THAT night!
  22. "The Empath": A set that looks like a classy NYC bondage club on an off night, and torture, torture, torture. Oh, poor Jim gets stripped to the waist and hung up and tortured until he's just all dewy and shiny with perspiration and absolutely glowing. It's Terrible! (hitting rewind, hitting play...) ...hung up and tortured (...rewind...)

Doesn't he make the cutest horsey-boy in Plato's Stepchildren!?

Scenes from the all-time Kinkiest episode, Plato's Stepchildren

"Hey Kirk, c'mere...I got some sugar for ya...in my LAP!"

That episode had more TV firsts than just "The First Interracial Kiss". How about TV's "First hunky hero forced to slap self in face" or "First midget to ride hunk on all fours during the family hour"!? TV's first "Human and Vulcan guys forced to show lots o' leg in very short tunics and threaten women with whips and hot pokers"! How about that!?

An appreciative audience marveled. We'd never seen anything quite like that before!


No wonder this show has enjoyed such enduring popularity. Look, I didn't write the scripts, I didn't demand that the sexy Mr. Shatner shave his chest and get his shirt ripped off every other episode. I just salute the people who did.

Kirk in ripped shirt, as usual


Spock: not nice

Beat all that you can eat, part 2:
Spock - A bad, bad boy

My kinky Trek fiction, verse, commentaries and links:
Silly Star Trek Obsession



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