These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Kirk: "Well? Go ahead, Bones!"
McCoy: "Jim, that twentieth century refugee hasn't brushed his teeth or had any mouthwash in over two hundred years! I'm a doctor, not an oral archeologist!"
Kirk: "Dainty, aren't we? Don't suppose you'd care to give lover-boy the old kiss-of-life right now, huh, McGivers? Huh? Didn't think so. You know what? Sometimes it's no fun being the Captain."
[Later, in sickbay]
Khan (seductively): "Hello, lovely woman. I overheard the doctor say that the angel who awakened me with a sexy kiss was coming to talk with me. Was that you?"
McGivers (breathlessly): "Only in my dreams. You'd better get back in bed...the Doctor is coming back with the Captain, and he'll want to see you there."
[Khan hits the sheets. Kirk enters]
Kirk (brightly): Aloha! How would you like some meat to sink your teeth into? I'm here to invite you to a steak dinner. No offense, but you need to get your mouth back in shape. Guess how I know."
Khan (horrified): "That was YOU...!?"
Kirk: "That a problem? Hey, it wasn't cake and ice cream for me either, but you can make it up to me. Hold that thought...McGivers, can I talk to you in private for a sec?"
[in the next room]
McGivers (submissively): "Yes, Captain?"
Kirk: "SCRAM!"
McGivers: "Yes, Captain!"
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Kirk (sincerely): "I'm glad you decided to come after all. I hope you enjoy the meal. I went nuts over the menu. The cooks promised me everything would be perfect."
Khan (pointedly): "Lieutenant McGivers was very persuasive. She begged so prettily for me to escort her that it would have been ungallant of me to refuse."
McGivers (sweetly): "It means so much to us all. We are all eager to hear your stories about your amazing life and incredible journey"
Khan (sincerely): "It's been very long indeed since I have met a woman of such rare beauty and ineffable charm. It was all worth it, just to meet her."
Spock (sharply): "I believe it's time to, shall we say, grab the bull by the tail and face the situation. Mister Khan, it happens we know that you are a tyrant who escaped at the end of the Eugenics War, that you are unnaturally bred to be 5 times stronger than the average human being, and that you think you are five times smarter too, but you are not. And although some may feel that men of your ilk are more exciting than men of our own time, no one here is likely to be dazzled by you to such an extent that we forget our duty to the many you have wronged in the past, right Captain!?"
[Jim, staring at Khan, entranced, says nothing]
Spock: "Right Captain? Jim? Jim! Earth to Jiiiiim!"
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[soon after...]
Khan (warily): "Very well, Captain, I suppose you have reason enough to want to keep me locked up, but why am I being held in custody in your cabin, instead of in your brig?"
Kirk: "The brig is, um, out of order, temporarily. Look, since we have to be bunking together for now, can't you at least try to be nice? I've been nice."
Khan: "You've been too nice. Really. It makes me a little uncomfortable."
Kirk: "Uncomfortable? Doncha like the comfy official Starfleet bunny-jammies I gave you?"
Khan (carefully): "They are very...warm. I am not accustomed to such...luxuries. Can't I have my own clothes back?"
Kirk: "Well, hell, if they're too warm take 'em off! That won't offend me! I'm getting pretty warm myself! I'm always running hot. I run around naked here all the time. Hey! Let's both go naked! What the heck. Make yourself at home. Mi casa es su casa!"
Khan (heatedly): "I can imagine one thing that would be even more of a relief, and probably for both of us."
Kirk: "I Am Intrigued! What Would That Be!?"
Khan (furiously): "That would be me kicking the ever-living shit out of you, you sick-fuck cocksucker!"
[long pause]
Kirk (mildly): "So, um, how exactly do you picture that happening?"
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[later...]
McGivers (desperately) : "Khan! Please! I'm begging you! Tell me what you did with our Captain!"
Khan (furiously): "I gave him what he was asking for!"
McGivers (tearfully): "Please! Don't let him die! I know he can be very annoying sometimes, but it's not a lifestyle choice! It's just the way nature made him!"
Khan (softening): "When I see your melting dark eyes brimming with emergent tears, I feel ashamed of myself. Very well. Go save your Captain. I left him in the laundry room, on High Hot Fluff."
[McGyvers rushes to the laundry room]
Kirk (screaming): "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
McGivers: "Captain! I'm so sorry he did this to you! If it's any consolation, you do smell Springtime fresh."
Kirk: "Oh, it's SPRINGTIME all right!" (bashing the intercom button) "SPOCK! Git yer fine Vulcan fanny down here to the laundry room on the double, and bring me my phasers, you know, my special ones!"
[moments later]
Spock: "You don't really need two, do you?"
Kirk: "I'm having a tough time choosing between the charcoal gray and the gunmetal gray. Which do you think?"
Spock: "Well, what's the occasion?"
Kirk: "It's my first full-on knock-down drag-out brawl with Khan, and you know? Maybe it's silly, but I just want to look pretty."
Spock: "Oh, like that's an effort for you!"
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[minutes later...]
Khan (nastily): "Back for more punishment Captain? You came to the right man!"
Kirk (mildly): "Ooh, ow. Hey, take it easy, mon savage."
[Khan takes Kirk's phaser, crushes it with his bare hand]
Khan: "This is what happens to little boy's toys when they carelessly wave them around in my face!"
Kirk (blandly): "OK, yeah, that's impressive."
{Captain's log, supplemental: "NOTE TO SELF...next time, gunmetal gray."}
[Kirk and Khan fight. After knocking each other around quite a bit, Kirk catches Khan between his legs]
Khan (roaring, outraged): "Arrrgggghhh!"
Kirk (panting): "What were you sayin', huh? About toys in yer face? Huh!? How ya like this toy? Wanna see me get careless with this, PUSSY!?"
Spock (sarcastically): "Are you thoroughly enjoying yourself, Captain?"
Kirk: "Spock!? Spock! It's not what you think! We were just fighting, honest!"
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Kirk: "Mister Spock? Spock? Oh come on, Spock, stop ignoring me!"
Spock (icily): "I'm not ignoring you, Captain, I'm just fully occupied and deeply absorbed. Too fully occupied and too deeply absorbed to be aware of you. At All."
Kirk: "Nothing happened! It wasn't like that! You are overreacting!"
Spock: "Only Earthmen overreact. I am a Vulcan. Vulcans do not overreact, especially not to things for which a so-called overreaction would be one hundred percent appropriate."
Kirk: "I said I was sorry! Come on! What do you want me to do, swallow arsenic!?"
Spock (bitterly): "I want you to dump that hooligan Khan and his whole anachronistic crew onto the first M-class planet we come across."
Kirk: "OK! I'll do it!"
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Kirk: "So, can we be friends again? You know I love you, doncha?"
Spock: "Hmph. I don't honestly think that friend is the most precise term available. And when did I give you permission to touch me like that?"
Kirk: "Please?"
Spock: "No. This is not the time nor place."
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?