These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Kirk: "So, how's the old science project goin'?"
Spock: "Jim, this is considerably more important than a simple science project, and I'd appreciate it if your words would reflect your understanding of that fact. Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what it is we are supposed to be doing here."
Kirk: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Spock: "Since you ask, it means I think you are too busy gallivanting around to concentrate on our mission!"
Kirk: "I've been working like a dog on the mission!"
Spock: "You call taking that Keeler witch out dancing and to movie shows work? That's not work! What I'm doing is work! What you're doing is...I don't care what you call it, I call it fooling around!"
Kirk: "I call it work! Good God man, you don't actually think I find her attractive, do you!? Her tits are barely visible to the naked eye! She's built like a pothole, she's CONCAVE, for cryin' out loud!"
Spock: "Hmm. Come to think of it, you do usually prefer your women to be much more inflated-looking."
Kirk: "She's nuthin' to me!"
Spock: "Does she know that?"
Kirk: "Of course not! How would that help!?"
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Kirk (tenderly): "I love you."
(Spock works silently)
Kirk: "I mean it. I love you. You. You're the only thing that really matters to me."
Spock (bitterly): "I don't think I can believe you."
Kirk: "What have I ever done to make you really doubt that?"
Spock (nastily): "Just fuck everything that moves unless I keep you tied down, is all!"
Kirk: "Aww, I think somebody needs some huggles."
Spock: "Don't start!"
Kirk: "Dats it, somebunny needs his snuggie-wuggies."
Spock: "Stop it."
Kirk: "Every bunny needs some bunnywuv sometime, and this is your bunnywunnywuv time..."
(Spock calmly stands, punches Kirk in the gut, knocking the wind out of him and doubling him over, then returns to work without further comment.)
Kirk: :::GASP!::: (eyes watering)
(Two minutes later...)
Kirk: :::groan::: Wadja do that for? What'd I do?
(Spock ignores him, keeps working)
Kirk: "All I said was..."
Spock: "Don't start again."
(long pause)
Kirk (whimpering): "...bunnywuv...!"
(Spock calmly stands, etc.)
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Kirk: "So anyway, that is the whole sordid story in a nutshell."
Edith (pitying): "You certainly have gotten yourself into a difficult situation."
Kirk (earnestly): "It's not that it's difficult that bothers me. I have no problem with difficulty...difficulties are a part of life. The only way to escape problems completely is to die! I like dealing with problems, I'm good at it. I'm a masterful coper. What bothers me is I really have no idea what's next. I mean, in a case like this what the hell do I DO!?"
Edith: "Have you tried talking with a counselor?"
Kirk: "What good would that do? They'll just say, 'Yep, you're a sicko all right! NEXT!' You know!? People like that are no help!"
Edith: "I can't really help you either, but you are talking to me."
Kirk: "Maybe I just needed to tell somebody. I'm tired of all the lies. I used to be an honest guy. I just wish I could be honest again, that would be such a huge relief. But that would be social and career suicide."
Edith: "Have you really tried talking with Spock about your worries?"
Kirk: "He's got enough problems of his own. Don't misunderstand me, we talk! We talk about everything, but he doesn't know any better than I do where we go from here. Nobody can presume to advise him about anything, he's too unusual. Poor Spock. He's just flying blind, making it up as he goes along. Best I can do is be sympathetic, you know, just be there for him. That's something at least."
Edith: "My heart goes out to you both. I'll pray for you."
Kirk: "I don't know if that will do any good either, but be my guest."
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Edith: "Do you believe in God, Captain Kirk?"
Kirk: "Well, yes and no. I certainly don't think the universe is a mindless clockwork. Even if we are the only mind the universe has, it's got one, or else we wouldn't be talking like this! I mean, consciousness is self evident! But as for the Bible or the Torah or the whatever book you want goes, I dunno. I have some pretty powerful doubts."
Edith: "You do believe in a higher power, at least?"
Kirk: "Oh sure. There are lots of higher powers. I've met a few of 'em."
[long pause]
Kirk: "You could say I wasn't too impressed."
Edith: "Captain Kirk..."
Kirk: "Jim, call me Jim, Edith."
Edith: "All right, Jim." (smiles, turns to face him) "It's time to say good night, but I'll be thinking of you every minute we're apart."
Kirk: "I'll never forget you, either, Edith. Edy. Can I call you Edy?"
Edith: "Yes, all right. Good heavens! How'd you get that bump on your head!?"
Kirk: "What bump?" (laughs, embarrassed) "Oh, gee, I forgot all about that! It's nothing."
Edith (seriously): "Did he do that to you?"
Kirk: "Oh, no! I did it to myself! It was an accident! It was the funniest thing, you woulda laughed! :::laughs::: I laugh myself right now, just thinkin' about it. It's just that I bent over real fast, and I wasn't paying attention, and I banged my head on the table! :::laughs::: Stupid!"
Edith (disbelieving): "Jim!"
Kirk (cannily): "OK, yeah, so on top of everything else he beats me! Oh Edy! I just wanna die!"
[Jim grabs her, smothers himself in her bosom, and sobs inconsolably]
Edith: "This is too much! Don't return to him!"
Kirk (bawling): "But where can I GO!"
Edith (firmly): "You come home with me tonight!"
Kirk (breathlessly): "Oh, Edy, you're too good! You are! You're a fucking ANGEL!"
Edith (taken aback): "That language is uncalled for."
Kirk (cannily): "OK, OK, so wash my mouth out with soap. Jesus!"
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[The next morning...]
Edith (softly): "Goodbye Jim."
Kirk (gently): "Goodbye, sweet Edy. Bless you."
[Jim heads back to his room. Spock suddenly accosts him]
Spock (mocking): "Goodbye sweet Edy. Bless youuuuu."
Kirk (resigned): "Been stalking me again, Spock?"
Spock (grumbling): "I was beginning to become concerned."
Kirk (nastily): "Bullshit, you sick perv, you were spying on us!"
Spock: "Considering the rather intimate nature of our relationship I do believe I do have a right to know where you have been wagging your dick, lately!"
Kirk (wearily): "Look, I'm just not in the mood for you right now, all right? Give me a fucking break!"
[They walk on in silence for a few moments]
Spock: "Did you pork her, finally?"
Kirk: "Did it never occur to you that I could enjoy a platonic relationship with a sweet, intelligent woman that didn't have anything to do with sex!?"
Spock: "You didn't wash it off yet, did you?"
Kirk: "I refuse to answer that. I will not dignify that with a reply."
[Spock grabs Kirk by the lapels and shakes him]
Spock: "Quit... fucking... with... ME!"
Kirk: "OK! OK! No, I didn't wash it off yet! Happy?"
Spock (getting excited): "Good!"
Kirk (wearily): "You disgust me."
Spock (totally happy): "I do not. You love me!"
Kirk: "Please, Spock, can we just go to bed now? I've been up all night."
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?