These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Spock: "All quite primitive."
Kirk: That's what I love about it! Listen to this! [opens pistol, loads it] :::crak - brt - clik - snap::: Man, I don't know why, but this thing's giving me a hard-on!"
[Kirk points his pistol at Spock]
Spock (darkly): Not Amusing. Find another target."
Kirk: :::chuckle::: "The safety's on Spock. You're not scared of me are ya? Turnin' yella on me? Come on, I wouldn't hurt ya!"
Spock (frowning): "I can't promise the same in return."
Kirk (lowering gun): "Spock. What Did We Talk About? While we are here we gotta do like the locals do, and that means I wanna hear you talk like they do too! Now put yer heater in yer paw and let's try this again! Spock. The machine gun? On the table?"
Spock: :::sigh::: "Yes. Right. OK, pally, unless you wanna be a meal for the maggots you should stop, drop, and CLEAN MY GUN!"
Kirk (approvingly): "NOW YER TALKIN'!"
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Kirk: "OK, I'm ready! Let's take ON this fuckin' town!"
Spock: "Are you quite sure about what you're wearing?"
Kirk: "What the hell is that supposed to mean!? You liked this suit before I sucked your cock, what's wrong with it now? Dusty knees?"
Spock: "The hat."
Kirk: "The hat. This is a great hat! What About The Hat!? WHAT!?
Spock: "It's just...I don't know. Perhaps lavender is simply not your color."
[long pause]
Kirk (seriously): "Spock... tough guys don't worry about what's their fuckin' color. They wear what they like. I like this hat."
Spock (mildly): "I see."
Kirk: "OK. Now let's go steal us some wheels... and no grief about maybe we should rent one instead, either! For Pete's sake, get with the program!"
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Urchin (brightly): "Hey mister! This car's too nice for faggots like you!"
Spock (firmly): "Young man, one shouldn't pretend to such familiarity when one has not yet even been introduced!"
Urchin: "I wasn't talkin' to you, I was talking to your girlfriend in the Easter Bonnet!"
Kirk (to Spock): "That's another thing I love about this place. Tradition. This place is steeped in tradition. For example, this kid...around here kids like this traditionally get the snot beat out of 'em!
Spock (glaring at urchin): "Some traditions obviously have more inherent merit than others."
Kirk: "Hey kid, us faggots got a few interesting traditions of our own. Ever hear of skullfucking?"
Urchin (brightly): Nah! What's zat!?"
Kirk (delighted): "That's the spirit! Hey Spock! Waddoya think? I think we got ourselves a taker!"
Spock (outraged): "I THINK NOT. Run along, BOY. I have trouble enough with one child and do not need two!"
Kirk (to kid): "'Nother question for ya: Where do guys go around here...you know...where's waddoyacallit - lover's lane?"
Urchin (brightly): "You mean Lookout Point? Lemme drive the getaway car and I'll take you there!"
Kirk (impressed): "Spock! This KID!"
Spock (firmly): "NO!"
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Spock: "I do not appreciate you telling that child that I'm dangerous when I'm upset, especially when it is my time of the month"
Kirk: "Spock! I had to do something to convince him to leave! The sticky little bastard was all over me like flies on meat, and you weren't gonna do a damn thing about it!"
Spock: "Very interesting story, albeit an arrant fiction."
Kirk: "Didn't you see the way he was drooling all over me!? Gimmee your hand! Feel this! I'm drenched! I could wring this suit out, but then it'd get all wrinkled, and I wanted to look sharp for you today! Maybe we can find a lonely place where I could get undressed and hang it on a tree to dry, or something."
Spock: "Where exactly are we going with this?"
Kirk: "I can't believe you ask me that. Think. This one stop sign town has exactly one hill. Logically, where would you think Lookout Point would be?"
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Kirk: "LOOK OUT POINT, HERE WE CUM!"
[long silence]
Kirk: "At least I got the gear thing figured out. It's like baseball: you have to go through second and third before you go to fourth. Except there's no fourth base in baseball. If it was really like baseball fourth gear would be called home gear, and you'd start there too, not in first gear...which I guess then would be second gear..."
Spock: "My suggestion to disable the emergency parking brake feature also seems to have been helpful."
Kirk: "I'm not easy in my mind about that. It might be more important than we realize. Think about it: around here, people shoot up the place when they are only getting groceries! An emergency to these folks must really be something special!"
Spock: "Hmmm!"
Kirk: "Since when isn't lavender my color? You always loved me in lavender!"
Spock: "That wasn't me."
Kirk: "Then who the hell was it!?"
Spock: "Jim...prepare yourself for a shock. I have better things to keep in mind than who all loved you, and in what color."
WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?