These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
 |
|
 |
Commissioner Ferris: "Captain! We've got to get the medicine to the plague-ridden New Paris colony immediately! What in hell are we stopping here for?"
Kirk: "Commish, I have to obey my orders and collect data on this Morasaki quasar-thingy. It's a boring, totally routine mission. Spock is a totally capable and efficient science officer, and I promise that he and his team will be in and out, and we'll be on our way in no time. So sit down, shut up, and relax!"
Spock [staticy voice over radio]: Mayday, Mayday...!
Uhura (frightened): "Captain, Gaylaleggo reported that they are out of control, and then the radio just went dead!"
Ferris (dryly): "What were you just saying, Captain?"
Kirk (freaking out):: "Ahhhh! AHHHHHHHHHHH! Daddy! DADD-EEeeeeeee!"
 |
[After the crash landing, aboard the Gaylaleggo]
Spock: "You may now unfasten your seat belts and move about the shuttle. If anyone needs to use the restroom, now is a good time."
Latimer (sheepishly): "Too late."
Spock: "In the future, Mr. Latimer, please hold your bowels until the shuttle has come to a full stop and I have turned off the seat-belt light."
McCoy (outraged): : "Don't be so damned inhuman! You talk like he could help himself!"
Spock: ::shrugging:: "We are fortunate to have been able to safely crash-land on a planet that has atmosphere. Mr. Scott, open the windows. Mr. Latimer, please step outside."
 |
McCoy: "Well, the circumstances suck, but at least this gives us a chance."
Spock (confused): "A chance? For what, Doctor?"
McCoy (seductively): "Come on, Spock... you know for what. I normally can't get you to even look at me with Jim around, but Jim's not here now, is he?"
Spock (doubtfully): "I knew you were bisexual, but I thought you were only interested in Jim. Since you know he is my husband, I assumed that you understood that I can think of you only in adverserial terms."
McCoy (earnestly): "Spock, you said yourself that we might be stuck on this planet for a very long time. Since we are the only Gay men here, don't you think it's time we became friends?"
Spock (dryly): "Doctor. It won't be necessary for us to pretend to be friends just to have sex."
McCoy (thrilled): "I like your attitude!"
 |
Uhura (gently): "Captain, the other shuttle has returned from searching all over the ding-dong place for Spock and the others. No luck. I'm sorry."
Kirk (miserably): "Thank you, Uhura."
Ferris (peckishly): "May I remind you, Captain, that the medicines you are supposed to deliver will save millions of lives on New Paris? Isn't that more important than the lousy 7 people on that shuttle? Why are you so foolishly obsessed with recovering that one shuttle?"
Kirk (tearfully): "If you must know... my lover is aboard that shuttle! Also my emergency-back-up lover! If I lose them BOTH, I'll have nobody! I'll be all alone!" ::sobs::
Ferris (puzzled): "But, there was only one woman on that shuttle..."
Kirk: "WHO said ANYTHING about WOMEN!?"
Ferris (astonished): "You're GAY!? That's fantastic! I'm Gay too! Small galaxy, eh, Captain?"
Kirk (interested): "Really? Gee, you look so butch, I never would have guessed!"
Ferris (flirting full-bore): I can say the same to you, Captain! Let me assure you: if the shuttle is never found, you will NOT be left alone!"
Kirk (drying his tears, flirting): "That's very comforting, Commissioner Ferris." ::smiles::
Ferris (warmly): "PLEASE. Call me 'Ferry'!"
 |
[Meanwhile, back on the planet...]
Gaetano (horrified): "My GOD, Mr. Spock! Latimer was killed by giant man-ape things the second he stepped outside!"
Spock (logically): "Hmm. Yes. Latimer apparently made an easy target."
Boma (furious]: "An easy target!? An easy target!? Is that all you have to say!? My God, one of our comrades has just been horribly killed, and it looks like we are next!"
Spock (calmly): You gentlemen are next, perhaps, because you are to stand guard here. Me, I'm going back into the shuttle to talk with Mr. Scott about...stuff. I've got things to do. All kinds of important things.
Boma: "THINGS!?"
Spock: "Very important things, Mr. Boma, trust me."
 |
[Later....]
Spock: "I know you all hate me for not being as sympathetic as I might have been about Latimer and Gaetano, and I know you all are upset that I was so casually logical about leaving their bodies behind, even though I did it only to save weight so we could take off with the limited fuel we have left, and lalalalala! Frankly, I'm sick of listening to the whining of you big babies! Look, it's like this: we don't have enough fuel to maintain orbit, we have only a few minutes to live anyway, so I'm going to tell you bastards THE TRUTH! The truth is that Captain Kirk, my lover, is a cock-sucking fairy who probably sent us on this suicide mission to get rid of me, because he is bored with me, and probably has the hots for Commissioner Ferris, OK!? They are long gone by now, OK? I hate him, I hate you all, and I always have, and furthermore I don't care what you think about it! I've jettisoned the fuel and ignited it, because I don't even want to spend a lousy five minutes more with you worthless turds! KISS MY ASS GOODBYE FOREVER, SUCKERS!"
 |
Kirk (sees the flare, leaps out of his chair): "Lookit! LOOKIT! It's Spock! Beam him up, right now! My God! Beam them all up! HURRY!"
 |
[Later, aboard the Enterprise...]
Kirk: "Hello, Spock."
Spock: "Hello, Jim."
(long silence)
Kirk: "So, yeah, I actually thought you were trying to signal me. Ain't that a kick in the head?"
Spock (evenly): "All things considered, I suppose that was a logical assumption."
Kirk: "Logical." ::snorts:: "Yeah!"
Spock: "Ok, look, Jim, I made mistakes, and I said some reckless things in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me. If it's any consolation, I never had sex with McCoy, even though he invited me to."
Kirk (carefully): "Oh? Well, if it's any consolation, I never had sex with Ferris."
Spock: "I see."
(long silence)
Spock: "Were you planning to?"
Kirk: "Daddy, how can you even ask me that? You know that all I EVER think about is YOU!"
|
WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?