Spock: "Isn't it obvious Captain? I am restless, irritable, have been throwing tantrums, and my voice just dropped a whole octave."
Spock: "So...I'm going through puberty!"
Kirk (astounded): "Whaaaaat!? But you are nearly 40 years old! Talk about a late bloomer!"
Spock: "Actually, by Vulcan standards I am not that late. Vulcans are a long-lived species. We can live to be 300 years old. Forty is Springtime to us."
Kirk: "That's all very interesting, but why do you need to go to Vulcan?"
Spock: "To finish becoming a man. I must now mate or die trying."
Kirk: "You mean to tell me you've never..."
Spock (blushing): "Please don't tell anyone. It's so embarassing."
Kirk: "Look, Spock, if that's all it is, why go home? We can take care of you here and now!"
Spock: "None of the women aboard like me, except Nurse Chapel, but she gives me the creeps."
Kirk: "Who said anything about women!?"
[once in orbit around Vulcan...]
Kirk: "Hey Spock, you got a call on the viewscreen...who the hell is she?"
Spock: "How the hell should I know!?"
T'Pring: "Spock, I'm T'Pring, the girl you were betrothed to as an infant. Don't you remember me?"
T'Pring: "Captain, thank you for bringing Spock home to me."
Kirk (grumbling): "Thank Empress T'Pau. She's the one that called Starfleet Command and had them order us here."
Spock: "T'Pring, you are much changed."
T'Pring: "You seem very different too, Spock."
[long, uncomfortable pause]
Spock: "So...um...how's the weather lately?"
T'Pring: "Hot, dry, and slightly breezy."
Spock: "Hmm. Yes. I see. Well...some things haven't changed."
T'Pring: "True. The weather is one thing that pretty much always is the same here."
Spock: "Hot, and dry."
T'Pring: "With a slight breeze."
Spock: "Yes. Well. I suppose I'll beam down to experience it first hand, now."
T'Pring: "I wouldn't expect otherwise."
Kirk: "Spock, you don't actually love that girl, do you?"
Spock: "What's love got to do with it?"
[once on the planet surface...]
T'Pau: "Spock and T'Pring ver betrothed za old-feshioned vey: by force! Vot has been decided is done."
Kirk: "Wait a minute! Spock doesn't love her and she doesn't love him. Why go on with this charade?"
T'Pau: "Since the before times ven everything old vas new and everything new vos nothing, this has been our vey! Vot else vould you hef us do?"
Kirk (earnestly): "How about let someone who really cares for Spock have him instead?"
T'Pau: "Like who?"
Kirk: "Like me!"
T'Pau: "Vot are you, some kind of faggot?"
Kirk: "What difference does that make?"
McCoy (sotto voce): "Jim, maybe that wasn't so smart. We have no idea how liberal Vulcans are about such things."
Kirk: "Shut up Bones! Let me handle this!"
T'Pau: "Spock, vot is up vith this? Are you a faggot, or are you a regular guy?"
Spock (frantic): "I...I...! Shit! How should I know? Wanna know what I am? I'm horny! That's what I am!"
T'Pau: "Hokey dokey, now you must proof you are no faggot before ve ken proceed."
Spock: "T'Pau, how could I possibly do that?"
T'Pau: "You must fight and kill zis faggot who vants to be your loffer. It is our law!"
[Spock and Kirk are prepared for battle...]
McCoy: "Holy Toledo, Jim, you really stepped in it this time. Now Spock's gotta kill you or you have to kill him. Either way, you are not getting him!"
Kirk: "You know, Bones, I don't really think I have anything to worry about. Spock's always been kinda sweet on me. My Gaydar went off the moment we met, and it goes off every time he's near me, and you know what? My Gaydar is NEVER WRONG!"
[the battle begins. Spock slices Kirk across the heart right away]
Kirk: "Whoa! Hold your horses cowboy! We're all gonna die eventually...what's the rush?" (Kirk parries, dodges) Take your time...enjoy yourself!"
[Spock knocks Kirk down, tries to cut his head off, misses]
Spock: ":::grunt::: I...don't...enjoy...this!"
Kirk: "'Course not! You're going about it all wrong!"
Spock: "There's no one right way...to kill...your best friend!"
[Kirk knocks Spock down, punches him in the face a couple of times]
Kirk: "Friends, my ass! You just suck up to me 'cause I'm the Captain!"
[Spock wrestles Kirk's weapon away from him and spanks him with it]
Spock: "Untrue! I honestly like you!"
[Kirk worms away, tries to strangle Spock]
Kirk: "You got a funny way of showing it!"
[Enraged, Spock chokes Kirk into unconsciousness]
Spock: "Shut your hole, you faggot, just shut up!" (suddenly realizes that Kirk has stopped breathing) Oh, MY GOD! Oh NO! Oh, help! Help! Doctor, don't just stand there, help him!" (to T'Pau)"I hope you're satisfied! :::sob::: I just murdered the only person who ever really loved me!"
T'Pau: "I hef seen enough! I don't think ve vill hef a vedding today. Get out of here, Spock, you pansy-boys disgust me."
Spock: "B-but! T'Pring! Say something!"
T'Pring: "Spock, T'Pau is right. Watching you and Captain Kirk get hardons while you strangled each other wasn't very reassuring. I believe I'll consider my other options."
[Soon, back aboard the Enterprise...]
Spock: "Doctor, I plan to go hang myself now. Will you be good enough to handle my funeral arrangements?"
Kirk: "Hey, don't I get any say about that!?"
Spock (overjoyed): "JIM!"
[Spock grabs Jim and hugs and kisses him]
Kirk (thrilled): ":::giggle:::flirt:::"
McCoy: "You didn't really kill him, Spock. He just got so excited he hyperventilated and passed out."
Kirk (earnestly): "Spock, I don't know any better way to say this...would you like to be mated with me?"
Spock (thrilled): "Would I ever!"
[they run for the door]
McCoy (quickly): "Hold on a minute. Aren't you red-hot Romeos forgetting something?"
Kirk: "What's that, Bones?"
McCoy: "You're two men. You can't be legally married."
Kirk: "A mere technicality. We'll take our honeymoon now, and figure out the wedding part later. Come on, Spock, wanna learn how to play 'Prisoner of War'?"
Kirk: "Let's Go!"