These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Sarek: "Captain, I am curious to know why the Federation sent a battleship for us instead of a passenger ship."
Kirk: "Well, I actually volunteered the Enterprise for this particular honor, sir. You see, my first mate happens to be Commander Spock!"
Sarek: "So?"
Kirk: "So...he happens to be a rather famous Vulcan, perhaps you have heard of him?"
Sarek: "So?"
Kirk: "So...I thought he'd like to visit his family!"
Sarek: "Not Spock. We should know: we are his family!"
[long pause]
Kirk: "Ambassador...seems so formal. Can I call you DAD?"
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Amanda: "Captain! Spock failed to tell you Ambassador Sarak and I are his parents!?"
Kirk: "Yes Ma'am, he did."
Amanda: "So I imagine he also failed to mention that he and his father are estranged, that they haven't spoken a word to one another in almost twenty years, and that there is much bad blood between them!?"
Kirk: "Yes Ma'am, that too is correct."
Amanda: "You couldn't have possibly known his father has a delicate and potentially fatal heart condition, could you?"
Kirk: "Actually, he did happen to mention that to me one time."
[long pause]
Amanda: "Captain, believe me when I tell you we are wholely unprepared for the revelations your outburst implies, and would like to be shown the way to the bar, at once!"
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Amanda (anxiously): "Spock, are you now, or have you ever been, a homosexual?"
Spock (blandly): "Mother, I agreed to answer one question, but that is actually two in one. I'm afraid I have to ask you to rephrase that."
Amanda: "Do you have a homosexual relationship with your Captain?"
Spock: "Why do you ask?"
Amanda: "Why don't you just answer the question?"
Spock: "I did answer the question."
Amanda: "No, Spock. You asked another question instead!"
Spock: "No one said I couldn't answer a question with a question."
Amanda: "Let's start over."
Spock: "NO! I win! Thank you for playing! Please exit stage right and don't forget to take your consolation prize: one month's supply of Rice-O-Roni 'The San Francisco Treat!', with our compliments."
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Sarek: "Spock! Your James Kirk is a total nutcase! I just spent the evening with him in his quarters while you were minding the bridge, and he had me laughing so hard I almost wet my pants!"
Spock: "Father? You are speaking to me!?"
Sarek: "I can no longer remain silent after what I have seen here. That Kirk! He's a HOOT! Wow! Wish they could bottle what he's got! I'd buy it! What a tonic! I feel five years younger!"
Spock (worried): "You did just talk, right!?"
Sarek: "He did most of the talking. Most of the time I just listened and laughed my ass off. I was lucky if he let me breathe! Oooo, I know what you mean though...what a wildcat! Better keep that one on a short leash! I'll bet he's pretty hotsy-totsy in bed, huh? Huh? You can tell your old man!"
Spock (gravely): "May I ask... what exactly did Jim tell you about us?"
Sarek: "Nothing too personal. Oh, my goodness, what a strong, strong love he has for you. All he talked about was you! Spock this, Spock that...yackity-yackity Spock-Spock-Spock all night long. He's nuts about you! You're very lucky. Such love is rarely seen. If I weren't so happy in my own marriage I might even envy you."
Spock: "Fascinating! Who initiated this historic confrontation?"
Sarek: "I started it. I asked him, 'So, how does that work - two men? What kind of a marriage is that?' He was very happy to explain it to me. The games you play sound very interesting! Just the names: 'Prisoner of War', 'Who Cums First'...but more, in detail, he wouldn't explain. Will YOU explain? Describe, for example, 'Daddy's Boy' to me?"
Spock: "Please don't ask that of me. Not because it's too personal, but because it would give us both the creeps."
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Sarek: "So-long boys. And remember: You are only young once - enjoy yourselves!"
Spock: "Thank you, Father!"
Kirk: "Thanks DAD!"
Sarek: "Kirk: you shouldn't call me Dad. It's too close to Daddy and Spock alone is your Daddy now! Is this not so?"
[Kirk blushes]
Amanda: Sarek, I can't believe you are encouraging them!"
Sarek: "Why not, Amanda? Why the hell not!? They are happy, they are in love, Kirk's quite a catch! He's a crack-up for one thing, and he's prettier than most girls you see! Spock didn't do too bad! They're not hurting anyone...leave 'em alone!"
Kirk: "Oh, for cry-eye, will you two get on the bus already! I got another party to go to after this one!"
Spock (shocked): "Captain!"
Sarek (guffaws): "I'm ~leaving~ already! I have to! I gotta get out of here so I can breath normally again!" (warmly) And Kirk, don't forget, you promised to get Spock out in the fresh air once in a while! Take good care of him, and I'm sure he'll take good care of you."
Kirk (affectionately): "OK! OK! I told ya I love ya, NOW GET OUT!"
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?