Here is an episode which is quintessential TOS - it has a serious issue at heart but still manages to be incredibly silly and corny, there are moments which are obviously slashy between Kirk and Spock, there are suggestive scenes between Kirk and the lady of the hour (and it's not his idea) as usual, and, as usual, Kirk is in bondage at one point, but Spock is in charge of the scene this time, as I shall explain:
Ensign Chekov, Commander Spock, Lt. Galway, Dr. McCoy, Captain Kirk, and Lt. Commander Scott beam down to the tiny colony on Gamma Hydra 4. Since nobody welcomes them, Kirk is instantly suspicious, and he sends his people off in the many directions to scour for clues or signs of life.
[NOTE: Everybody goes off in random directions, but Kirk and Spock stick together, as usual.]
Chekov soon discovers a really old dead man in one of the colony's buildings and he is momentarily frightened. The whole landing party runs in to see. Spock doubts that it's a colonist, and remarks that the expedition was composed of only young people.
A very old man and woman appear and they introduce themselves as Robert Johnson (age 29) and his wife Elaine (age 27).
Kirk beams the landing party up together with these 2 colonists who are still alive. Aboard the Enterprise, the Johnsons soon die of "old age".
Kirk meets with Spock, Dr. McCoy, Commodore Stocker and a woman who turns out to be endocrinologist Dr. Janet Wallace.
[NOTE: Stocker is there because Enterprise is giving him a lift to his new home at Starbase 10. We aren't really told why Dr. Wallace is there.]
Kirk states the nature of the problem, asks for Dr. Wallace to assist Dr. McCoy, tells everybody to get to work, and the room clears out. Wallace waits until the others have gone, then she starts up a private conversation with Kirk.
[NOTE: Ooo lookit! Kirk's going to have a private conversation with a pretty girl! Well, actually she's sort of a homely dame. Hey, she's an endocrinologist, not a fashion model. Her figure's not bad. Put a bag over her head and she'll suffice.]
[NOTE: The conversation that follows merits close attention.]
Kirk: "Doctor, is there something I can do for you?"
Wallace: "Well, be a little less the cool, efficient Captain, and a little more the old friend."
[NOTE: She's complaining that Kirk is being cool to her, instead of a warm and cuddly snuggly snooky-wookums of a fat, fluffy love-bunny. How could he? Doesn't he understand that she is craving another steaming bowlful of his sweet love-soup? Old friend, huh? Obviously that means they had red-hot heterosexual nuzzle-rumpus at least once, and maybe more than once. I mean, anybody who is Kirk's "friend" is somebody he had, currently has, or will have wallow-in-the-hollow mammal-rammal with. Ask anybody.]
Kirk (annoyed, walks away): "How long has it been?"
Wallace (instantly): "Six years, four months, and an odd number of days... you mean you don't know?"
[NOTE: He knows. He just wants to remind her that it's been a long fuckin' time...]
Kirk: "Well, it's been a long time. Things wouldn't change it it started all over again, would it?"
[NOTE: ~What~ wouldn't change if ~what~ started all over again?
Kirk, you should really watch what you are saying, you don't want to discourage the dame, do you? She's clearly hot for you... just be polite, let her dream a little, and you'll get a bunkful of fondlesome funbundliness, lickety-split.]
Kirk: "You have your job, I have my ship, and neither one of us will change."
[NOTE: ...and lots of ship can happen in a long fuckin' time.]
Wallace: "You said it, I didn't."
[NOTE: Jim, stop being such a pouty-puss. The lady is preparing to throw love-cheese into her love-trap for her love-mouse. Just smile, shut up, give her some slack, and you'll be her strokeable, squidgy little cuddle-chum in no time, for sure.]
Wallace: "In all those years I only heard from you once: a stargram when my husband died."
[NOTE: Ooo, how romantic. "My sympathies stop guess this means you are single again stop don't do anything I wouldn't do as if that were possible stop ha ha ha stop"]
Wallace: "You know, you never asked me why I got married after we called it off."
[NOTE: If she married BEFORE they called it off, that wouldn't have been better, I don't think.]
Kirk (reasonably): "Well I supposed that you met someone you loved."
Wallace: "I met a man I admired... a great man."
Kirk (interrupting): "And in the same field as you, so you didn't have to give up a thing!"
Wallace: "No. Just you."
[NOTE: I guess she finally figured out that marriage was never going to happen with Kirk around.]
[NOTE: Wait! Is she possibly saying that Kirk's remark is true only about his own situation? Kirk is in that situation now. He met a man he admired, a great man, who is in the same field as himself, and Kirk didn't have to give up a thing! But how could she possibly know!?
"My sympathies stop by the way I realized that I'm Gay stop good thing we called it off when we did stop I found someone I admire a great man stop wish us luck stop"]
Kirk faces Wallace, straightens his shoulders, takes a breath, and just as he's about to impulsively ask why she doesn't realize that there is no fucking way that she has the faintest hope of reviving... ~whatever it was~ that they wisely called off - and how dare she even begin to think... - Spock suddenly hails Kirk on the intercom and calls him to the bridge.
[NOTE: Great timing, Spock! It's like yer psychic or something.]
Kirk rushes to the bridge to find out what the big emergency is. Spock offers a bland little report that updates Kirk on his progress in the investigation. So, no emergency? Nope. Just business as usual. Oh. OK, so then why...
[NOTE: Of course, Spock's definition of a emergency might include situations where Kirk's stuck alone in a room with a horny ex-"friend".]
There's a short scene where Lt. Galway complains to Doctor McCoy that she's developing hearing problems.
[NOTE: Brace yourselves to next behold another Klassic Kirkism...]
Next thing you know, Kirk's alone in his quarters, and he is half-naked. Guess he had to stop everything to shave his chest. He starts to put his shirt on, thinks better of it, tosses the shirt aside, goes to the picturephone and calls Spock for a little chat.
[NOTE: There he goes AGAIN, parading his peacocky pectorals for Spock's delectation just like he did once in Enemy Within, and twice in Corbomite Maneuver! It's beyond a rare oddity, it is now officially a regular ~pattern of behavior~.]
Kirk feels a twinge in his shoulder. Guess he pulled a muscle with all that frantic undressing and dressing and etc. He goes to see McCoy about it. For McCoy, he gets dressed first.
[NOTE: Another Cute Kinky Kirkism, dead ahead...]
McCoy (all business): "What's your problem, Jim?"
Kirk: "Shoulder. Just a twinge. Probably muscular strain."
McCoy (bugged): "Oh. You're probably right, 'doctor'. By the way, I don't like the way you've been running this ship lately!"
Kirk (smiles, bows slightly): "All right. Reprimand received."
[NOTE: I think that's cute, but then I am into BDSM, so of course I'd think it was cute.]
Kirk then begins to lose his memory and develops arthritis. Scott, McCoy, Lt. Galway, and Spock also show signs of aging (at a rate of 30 years per day), but Chekov does not. A large part of the show is focused on the specifics of this crisis.
Spock finally figures out that the rogue comet whose tail Gamma Hydra 4 passed through emits low energy radiation. This radiation is judged to be the cause of the weird affliction.
Kirk continues to deteriorate. Commodore Stocker becomes increasingly concerned about Kirk's condition, and forces Spock to hold a competency hearing. Meanwhile, poor Lt. Galway dies of old age.
Chekov continues to remain unaffected. McCoy peckishly orders Dr. Wallace to "try anything" and make herself useful somehow.
Old Kirk leaves sickbay, and finds Wallace waiting for him.
Old Kirk: "I thought you were on your way to the biochemistry lab."
[NOTE: Translation, why are you just standing there, you stupid cow? Don't you know we haven't a second to spare?]
Wallace: "We both go in the same direction."
Old Kirk: "So we do."
[NOTE: But we both don't age ten years while we are getting there.]
Wallace: "(Blathers on tediously about the facts that everybody already knows as she walks with Kirk)... it's only logical we'll find a solution."
Old Kirk (chuckles, fondly thinking of Spock): "You sound like my first officer."
Wallace: "No problem is insoluble, not even ours."
Old Kirk (shakes a finger at her): "That didn't spring from logic."
[NOTE: He's calling her last remark illogical.]
Wallace: "Our problem doesn't have its roots in logic."
[NOTE: No duh. It no doubt has it's roots in the fact that this dizzy dame is mindbogglingly self-centered and inconsiderate, not to mention useless in a crisis. Kirk's aged five years during this pointless exchange, when she should really be working her fingers to a nubbin in the lab on his behalf, right now. If she loves him, that would be the proper way to show love, right now, doncha think?]
Old Kirk listens patiently as she continues.
[NOTE: Patient? That's not like Kirk. Maybe he just needs a nap.]
Wallace: "The heart is not a logical organ. When I married Theodore Wallace, I thought I was over you. I was wrong."
Old Kirk (flinches. Turns away): "When did you realize that?"
Old Kirk (appraises her critically): "How much older was your husband than you?"
Wallace: "What difference does that make?"
[NOTE: Good question. They had some vague something that they called off when Kirk was a young man, so seriously, what difference does age make?]
Kirk ages another ten years as Wallace tells him that her hubby was 26 years older than her, and that his favorite activities were chess and golf, and that he was born on the cusp of Gemini and Taurus, and that he was a brilliant man, and they met at a lonely outpost, and that she doesn't want to talk about him.
Kirk: "Look at me. Look at me. What do you see?"
Wallace: "I see Captain James Kirk. A man of morality and decency - handsome and strong..."
Kirk (interrupting): "And old. And rapidly growing older."
[Note: As are we all, as we watch this maddening exchange. Why isn't she in the lab right now, helping!? That's a fine why to say I Love You... "Let me engage you in pointless chit-chat as you rot before my eyes"! I feel constrained to point out that anybody who *really* loves Kirk is working frantically to save his life, right now.]
[NOTE: Kirk doesn't seem as focused on snagging that pity-fuck as he could be. Go ahead, Jimbo, live a little. All you have to do is try to be polite for five minutes, and she'll drop into your lap like a ripe peach. Why don't you just be nice to her a little? Get laid! Come on, all the boys out here in the audience are rooting for you. Come to think of it, now might actually be a really good time. Pop a Viagra and salute her flag! Come on! Kirk winds up, and here's the pitch...]
Kirk (sarcastically): "What are you offering me, Jan? Love, or a going away present?"
Wallace is stumped. She doesn't know what else to say or do. She's actually beginning to believe that Kirk just plain doesn't want to start up again, just like he said.
Old Kirk turns on his heel, turns his back on her, and walks away, head high.
[NOTE: This is now the second time in this one episode that he REJECTED THE WOMAN. That's three times now that we know of that he "called it off" with her. To tell the truth, it's hard for me to imagine him ever calling it on with her in the first place. Look at her, she's a mutt. Can you picture the two of them in bed together?
Wallace (completely inert): "Blah blah blah, blah blah blah (all kinds of distracting and self-centered crap)..."
Kirk (striving valiantly): "Honey, shut the fuck up, willya? Just Shut Up, for a little while? Thank you."]
Kirk is soon found to be incompetent, and Commodore Stocker takes over. Stocker orders the Enterprise to head directly for Starbase 10, through the neutral zone, because he's an idiot.
Kirk goes to his cabin to sulk, and Wallace and Spock enter. Wallace stands mute in a corner and witnesses a bitchy emotional scene between crotchety Old Kirk and Old Spock. Kirk is bitchy, that is. Spock manages to hang on to his dignity.
Old Kirk (firmly): I ORDER you to take command!"
Old Spock (sadly): I can not, Captain."
Old Kirk (quietly): "Are you refusing a direct order?"
Old Spock (logically): No, sir. Only Commodore Stocker can give a command order aboard this ship."
Old Kirk (Horrified): "You traitorous...disloyal... you stab me in the back the first chance you get!? (pause) ~Spock~."
Kirk and Spock gaze deeply into one another's eyes during one big, fat, ponderously pregnant pause.
Old Kirk (to Spock): "Get out. I never want to have to look at you again!"
Old Spock nods, and shuffles out without further parlay.
Old Kirk then turns and is surprised to see that Wallace is standing there.
Wallace (softly and sincerely): "Jim, I'm sorry. Truly, I am."
Old Kirk (recovering what's left of his wits): "I made a fool of myself in there... (etc.)"
Then Kirk, the dear, vain old ruin, fusses about his appearance and asks for Jan's opinion. She wisely says nothing. They, um, don't hug or kiss or have any sex or anything. That all seems totally out of the question, frankly, at this point.
[NOTE: Actually, Kirk made it clear from the start that it was out of the question. He meant it, too.]
Meanwhile, McCoy and Kirk realize that the one difference between their experience on the planet and Chekov's was that Chekov was frightened when he discovered the dead body. McCoy recalls that early investigations showed adrenaline to be a potentially useful drug for treating radiation sicknesses.
Spock, Nurse Chapel and Dr. Wallace frantically work to produce a crude serum, containing adrenaline, which Spock brings to sickbay in an open beaker.
Kirk NATURALLY insists on being the one to take the first shot. There's some disagreement and discussion then Spock NATURALLY ends the discussion by telling Wallace to give Kirk the shot.
[NOTE: Who's your daddy, Kirk?]
Kirk's NATURALLY in bondage - strapped down to the sickbay bed - as all this is going on. Quelle surprise!
[NOTE: close up on Kirk's pelvis as he bucks like a bronco - hee hee! I'll take that cheap thrill, thanks very much!]
Amazingly, the shot is instantly effective, and young-again Kirk is able to immediately re-assume command of the Enterprise, which is now under attack by the Romulans, thanks to Stocker.
Kirk employs his trademarked Corbomite ruse and it works beautifully, again, hoorah hoorah.
Once the crisis has passed McCoy (young again) comes to the bridge and invites Spock to come get his life-saving shot.
McCoy (smiling sadistically): "Because of your Vulcan physique I have prepared a particularly potent shot for you! However, you might like to know that I've removed all the breakables from sickbay!"
[NOTE: plus we sold tickets. You're going to be on pay-per-view.]
Spock (dryly): "That is very considerate of you, Doctor."
At the end, Wallace comes to the bridge and stands around looking stupid. Kirk walks up to her and makes like he's preparing to deliver one of his pretty, trademarked little speeches. But no... no little speech, and no hug or kiss good-bye. Basically, Dr. Janet "Jan" Wallace gets nada.
[NOTE: My sympathies stop better luck next time stop]
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