These are the adventures of James Kirk, polymorphous pervert ~of the future~!
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Old Man: "Look at any of these disks to see a specific time period displayed, and if you see something you like, just tell me. I'm the librarian, Mr. Atoz. I'm here to assist you."
[They browse the stacks]
McCoy: "Here's what looks like a film about their ice age. What cheesy special effects."
[Spock looks over McCoy's shoulder]
Spock: "Yes, quite primitive."
Kirk: (wistfully) "I've got one here about their late middle ages. Incredible stuff: public floggings were a daily occurance. Gosh, those were the days, huh boys!?"
[Through a nearby portal comes a woman's voice]
Woman: "No need to fight over me, gentlemen, I'm woman enough fer all o' thee. Just wait thy turn with thine willies out and I'll be with thee presently, each in thy turn."
[Jim runs through the portal, gets zapped to the past]
Kirk: "Me first! Do me!"
"Oooooh! What a handsome lad! I'll gladly do thee first, dearie."
Cavalier 1: "Hold, varlet! No cutting the line!"
Cavalier 2: "Stay, slattern, he's not one of us!" (looks Kirk over carefully) "What kind of a faggot art thou, running about in thy jammies?"
Kirk: "LOOK WHO'S TALKIN', Mister Ribbons-And-Lace! Them's fightin' words!" (steals a sword, brandishes it) Eat those disrespectful remarks, or taste raw steel! This ain't no negligee, Mary! It's a UNIFORM!"
[Kirk crosses swords with four guys at once.]
Kirk: ::panting:: "And...if you want to find out what kind of faggot...I am....that's a...good way to start!"
[Aroused by the commotion, Spock and McCoy rush through the nearest portal to watch...]
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McCoy: "What th-! Where's Jim? Where are we?"
Spock: "Yo! We apparently have passed through a time portal into the ice age scene we were viewing."
McCoy: (teeth chattering) "W-what b-bad l-l-luck! We've got to f-find s-shelter! This c-c-cold will k-kill us in n-no time!"
Spock: (spotting fur-clad stranger, who beckons) "Check the bangin' fur! Let's follow that kid."
McCoy: "W-w-whaaat? W-what d-did y-you s-s-say?"
[They follow the mysterious stranger through the blizzard to safety. Meanwhile, back in Kirk's timeframe...]
Kirk: "I can't believe you turned me in as a whore for the reward! I saved you from being raped!"
Woman: "Ye stole me chance to lift some purses! Times are hard, sweet darlin'. Next time work only thine own side of the street!"
[Meanwhile back in the ice age...]
Sexy redhead: "I'm Zarabeth. Who are you?"
Spock: "I'm Spock, he's McCoy, and you are one fine, fatty girl! This is a bitchin' crib! Damn! And those are some hot kicks you're flossin'!
Zarabeth: ::blushing:: (flattered) "Thank you, I think!"
[Meanwhile, back with Kirk...]
Kirk: "Hi, you gonna be my cell mate? Notice that there's only one bunk. I'll wrestle ya for it..."
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[Later...]
Kirk: "Hey, turnkey! C'Mere!"
[Kirk knocks the jailer out, takes his keys, opens the cell, drags the guy into the cell, and locks himself in with the jailer.]
Kirk: (to his cellmate) "All right! When someone comes lookin' for him, I'll snag him too, and then we'll have a foursome for bridge! Oooops. What am I thinking!? We have no cards! I guess we'll have to find another game to play. Gee. I wonder what four guys locked together in a jail cell can do for fun. Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm...!"
[Meanwhile...McCoy snores as Spock and Zarabeth get acquainted]
Zarabeth: "I was exiled here by a cruel tyrant to live and die all alone. I've been so lonely...you have no idea."
Spock: (sadly) "Girl, when it comes to lonely, I do know. You're a rookie, I'm the pro."
[Meanwhile, Kirk finds a new friend]
Officious Man: "Stranger, I'm the parish magistrate. I have the power to condemn or free thee. Thou art a most resourceful lad, and a handsome lad as well! I'm fair impressed with the expert way thou played the whore for thine jailhouse playmates. If thou wilt satisfy me also, I shall grant thee any boon."
Kirk: "Free me, and throw in a bottle of brandy to get the taste out of my mouth, and you got yourself a deal!"
[Meanwhile, back at Zarabeth's cave...]
Spock: (getting freaky) "MMMMmmmmmm!"
Zarabeth: (getting freaky, too) "Mm! Mmm!"
[Time goes by...]
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McCoy: "Good morning, you beautiful young lady! Hello, Spock."
Zarabeth: "Are you feeling better now that you have had a chance to rest and warm up?"
McCoy: "I feel fantastic! You are one pretty little eye-opener I must say!"
[enraged, Spock lifts McCoy up by his throat and throws him up against the wall]
Spock: (enraged) "Get this straight: I'm the mack, that's my woman, and you ain't shit!"
McCoy: "Good LORD, Spock, what the hell has gotten into you!? Why are you talking and acting so strangely? What did she DO to you!?"
Spock: (heatedly)"She didn't do nothing I disapprove of, which is more than I can say for you, BITCH!"
McCoy: "Spock! Spock! Listen to yourself! You're using double negatives!"
Spock: (perturbed) "Shit...! That is wack. How high am I?"
McCoy: "Spock, when we went back in time, you psychologically regressed. It's as if you became one of your primitive urban ancestors! You've gone ghetto! Snap out of it!"
[Meanwhile, back in the "library"...]
Kirk: "Ohhhh, my achin' head! Hey! How'd I get back here!?"
Atoz: "I found you passed out in the alley near the portal. You were on the right track, but apparently you were too drunk to crawl all the way in by yourself, so I came and fetched you. Now you really must be going. Our sun will explode any minute."
Kirk: (firmly) "I'm not going anywhere without my friends!"
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Atoz: (frantically) "Call for your friends through the portal, and tell them to hurry! There's only moments to spare!"
Kirk: (anxiously) "Bones! Spock! Bones! Spock!"
McCoy: "Jim! Is that you? How do we get back?"
Spock: "How do YOU get back, dog. I'm gonna hang here, and chill.
Kirk: "Follow my voice to the portal, now! We gotta warp out of here in one minute flat or we are all dead! I'll just keep talking...I guess it doesn't matter what I say...here's one about the Gorn trader and the Andorian farm girl...stop me if you've heard this one..."
[McCoy finds the opening, tries to exit, but fails]
McCoy: "Jim, I can't come through!"
Kirk: "I? You mean we, meaning you and Spock, can't come through, you mean!"
McCoy: "No, I mean I can't. Spock's not coming. He met a...a...well, what he calls a classy dime-piece, and he wants to stay with her."
Kirk: "Spock! You can't stay there! You and McCoy have to come back together or neither one of you can come! Besides, what about all the things you were working on? What about all the things we've done together and been to each other? What about all that we planned? What about all the promises that we made to each other? What about our love, Spock? Huh?
Spock: "What about coochie, Jim?"
Kirk: (desperately) "How about a blowjob, Daddy?
Spock: (regretfully) "Damn, he does give great head, though."
Zarabeth: ::sobbing:: (distraught) "If I'd known you were BISEXUAL I never would have let you touch me! Go back to your Gay lover, you TRAMP!"
Spock: "Yo, McCoy, Jim... I'm coming, but first I have to strangle the sass out of one rude trash ho...!"
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WHAT WILL KIRK DO NEXT?