Strange woman: "We are the Clods, Captain Kirk! You and your, uh, whatever-he-is, are now our prisoners!"
Kirk: "Look, we honestly are here to just pick up some of your precious Zenite. It's needed right now to save lives elsewhere. We don't really have time to stay and party with you... but thanks! I'm very flattered."
Clod woman: "You mock us? You will soon learn we are not to be trifled with!"
Spock: "Captain, they appear to have us outnumbered. It might be best to simply submit."
Kirk: "Oh, GEE Spock, I'd love to, but what about our mission? Maybe we can compromise: you people let Spock go back to the ship with our Zenite, and I'll stay with you until he comes back!"
Clod woman: "Two hostages is better than one, my mother always said."
Spock: "No disrepect intended to your sainted mother, but that is incorrect. It should be two hostages ARE better than one."
Kirk: "Spock, ordinarily I'd be thrilled to share this experience with you, but we have our orders, and lives to save. Come on, you Clods, let Spock go, and you can tie me up all you want...just leave my right hand free."
[Gunfire; a melee; the would-be kidnappers are routed]
Kirk: "Hey! What gives you goons the right to be runnin' our new friends off like that? Things were just gettin' good!"
Plastics: "Captain Kirk, I am Plastics, the Grand High Exalted Poobah of this planet!"
Spock: (sotto voce) "...And that gives him the right..."
Kirk: (brightly) "Mr. Grand High Exalted Poobah Plastics, sir! Well! This is indeed an honor!"
Plastics: (darkly) "You bet your ass it is!"
Kirk: (sotto voce, to Spock) "He's talking about my ass already! I'm starting to really like this place!"
Spock: (sotto voce, to Kirk) "He's not your type, really, is he?"
Kirk: (sotto voce, to Spock) "Do I have a 'type'? Are you a 'type'?"
Plastics: "Come with us to our capital city, Stratos. You will find it conveniently located in the clouds directly above you."
[Kirk and Spock look up, see the city in the clouds]
Kirk: "Wow! Look at that!"
Spock: (genuinely impressed) "Fascinating! An entire city, floating on air! That is the most spectacular example of indefinitely sustained metropolitan antigravitational levitation I have ever been privileged to witness."
Kirk: (genuinely impressed) "Hey, Plastics! If somebody spit from up there, how long would it take it to hit the ground!?"
[Spock encounters Stratosian beauty Droxine in the visitor's tea room]
Droxine: "Welcome to Stratos, Mr. Spock. ::gasps:: Oh, my! I had no idea a Vulcan man could be so sexy... and handsome too! I've heard that Vulcans have sex only once every seven years. I'll bet you really go apeshit crazy then, don't you? Please tell me absolutely everything!"
Spock: (flattered) "Why, certainly, Miss Droxine. I'd be happy to answer all of your questions, and even to demonstrate, circumstances permitting."
Droxine: ::panting:: "I'll do anything I can to make the circumstances as condusive as possible for your tutorials, Mr. Spock. I'm truly anxious to learn anything you'd like to teach me."
Spock: (amazed) "God...I LOVE THIS PLACE!"
[meanwhile, back in Kirk's hotel room, Clod rebel Vanna attempts to kidnap Kirk while he sleeps. He wakes, and struggles with her.]
Kirk: "Hey! What's the big idea...climbing into bed with me and putting a knife to my throat...and it's not even my birthday! Who put you up to this!?"
Vanna: "Nobody put me up to it! It was my idea!"
Kirk: (delighted) "I LOVE THIS PLACE! What is that, some kind of wacky local welcoming custom, or are you just irresistably drawn to me?"
Vanna: "I'm trying to take you hostage, you dirt-licking PIG!"
Kirk: (stunned) "I... I love you!"
[Meanwhile, back in the tea-room...]
Droxine: "How much time must pass before you are suseptible to the charms of a woman?"
Spock: (earnestly) "No time at all! You see, being half-human..."
Droxine: (horrified) "YOU ARE NOT A PURE VULCAN!? HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME! HOW DARE YOU EVEN LOOK AT ME! I'd slap you, if it didn't mean I'd have to touch you! Get out of my sight! You disgust me!"
Spock: (shattered) "...B-but!"
Droxine: "Just Go!"
[Meanwhile, back in Kirk's bed]
Vanna: "You running dog lackey of the capitalist warmonger elite!"
Kirk: "I love it! What else you got?"
Vanna: "You sick-fuck, self-indulgent pestilence! This is not about you and your insignificant dick! It's about oppression, and justice, and revolution!"
Kirk: "I LOVE IT! Lemme guess: you represent the heroic oppressed masses that arm to rise up and overthrow the ruthless, decadent regime, right? But what am I?"
Vanna: "You are nothing but the master's evil TOOL!"
Kirk: "I LOVE IT! What're you gonna do to me when the old order is overthrown huh? What're gonna do? Huh?"
Vanna: "I'll have something very special arranged for you, you...you... shoe-sniffing, ass-licking, belly crawling..."
Kirk: "Yeah! Oh, YEAH!"
[Spock runs in crying, sees Jim in bed with a woman, and screams. Guards come running...Vanna the Clod is arrested.]
[Moments later, in Plastic's torture chamber...]
Plastics: "Time for a little torture! Bind that Clod to the pole!"
Kirk: "Stop! You're making a big mistake, Plastics old pal! I'm supposed to be the master's evil tool in this scenario, not you!"
Plastics: (flummoxed) "I beg your pardon?"
Spock: "Please don't ask ME to explain."
Kirk: "The lady and I just had a big long talk about it. Everything's all arranged! Tell 'em, honey!"
Vanna: (contemptuously) "Why don't you open your fly, and let some oxygen get to your BRAIN, Captain?"
Kirk: "::giggles:: Isn't she great!?"
Plastics: "Captain...whatever! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some torturing to attend to."
Kirk: "That's a torture device? I don't believe it! It looks so harmless and innocuous. Pardon my skepticism but..."
Plastics: "You would like a demonstration!? "
Kirk: (overjoyed) "Yeah!"
Plastics: "I'm starting to like you, Captain! Very well!"
[Plastics gives the signal, and the Clod-girl is given a prolonged, painful shock. She screams, and faints]
Kirk: (dismayed) "Whoa! Hold your horses, Cowboy! I didn't mean that you should use it on her!"
Spock: "What the hell were you thinking, Jim?"
Kirk: "I was thinking maybe he would let me try it!"
Plastics: "Captain Kirk, this is a serious interrogation room, not an e-ticket ride at the fair! Besides, I only get off on torturing women!"
Kirk: "Are you sure? How do you know that? Think about it, Plastics. How do you really know for sure...?"
[Later, back on the ship]
McCoy: "I don't get it, Jim. Tell me again why you are beaming back down, after we went to so much trouble to get you out of there alive!?"
Spock: "I, too, do not understand what you are going for."
Kirk: "Look, I can't carry off the running-dog-lackey bit too well, so I'm going for the high-tech kind of a 'master's tool' effect. How's the mask? Does it look evil?"
[McCoy and Spock both shrug]
Kirk: "Why am I asking you anyway? I'm not wearing it for you!"
[Kirk beams down to the Clod's secret hideaway. He's immediately apprehended and presented to Vanna, Queen of the rebel Clods]
Vanna: "We meet again, Captain! How nice of you to kidnap yourself for me!"
Kirk: (seductively)"Like the mask? Do I look evil? I've been thinkin' bout you, baby."
Clod comrade #1: "Aww, duh, gee Commandant Vanna, he don't seem too scared of us. You want we should kick him around a little and teach him some respect!?"
Vanna: "No. Put him on his knees, strip him of that ridiculous mask, and leave him to me!"
Clod comrade #2: "Duh! As you wish, Comrade Commandant!"
[The Clod guards shove Kirk to the ground, rub his face in the dirt at Vanna's feet, and then leave.]
Kirk: (face in dirt) "I...I love you, Vanna!"
Vanna: "Shut up! You disgust me! (she shoves a mouthful of dirt in his mouth) Eat dirt, like the worm you are, slave!"
Kirk: (aroused) "Yeth! Yeth! Thay et! Thay anythig!"
Vanna: "You will now be very useful to me."
Kirk: (spits, clears his throat) "You bet I will! You've got the upper hand now! My life is in your hands. You have all the power, I have none. You could make me do anything, now. Think about it, Vanna. Anything. Did you know I'm an expert in oral sex? I'm yours to command."
Vanna: "Order your ship to bring Plastics to me. I am going to assassinate Plastics, and you are going to be a helpless witness."
Kirk: "Order 'em yourself: you're in charge!"
Vanna: "Oh... All right. I guess you can tell that I'm new at this. Tell me how this thing works."
Kirk: "Just flip it open, set it to talk, and you're in business."
Vanna: "Enterprise? Enterprise!? I'm holding your Captain hostage..."
[Plastics is beamed to Jim's location. With a roar, Jim leaps up and seizes Plastics, and starts to kick him around]
Plastics: (bewildered, outraged) "What is the meaning of this! Get your filthy hands off of me! Ow! That hurt! YOU ARE HURTING ME!"
Kirk: "::panting:: Not so big and bad now, huh, you capitalist slave-state, blood-drinking monster!"
Vanna: "Captain! I... I don't understand! Could it be that you actually get it!?"
Kirk: "You are my inspiration, Vanna! Viva la revolution!"
Plastics: (weeping) "Unhand me, you...you...you big bully!"
Kirk: "Aww, what a PUSSY! Mister big, bad picks-on-girls is nothing but a soggy old wad! Hey look, Vanna, I made him cry! Does that make you happy, baby!?"
[McCoy and Spock are listening over the still-open channel. Horrified, they beam the three up to the transporter room, where the 'battle' continues]
Vanna: (aroused) "::panting:: It's a dream come true!"
[Spock pulls Jim off of the Poobah. McCoy breaks out his medikit, and attends to Plastics]
Spock: (firmly) "Jim! That's ENOUGH! Whatever point you were trying to make, I believe you've made it!"
Vanna: (to Jim) "::gushing:: My Hero! How much Zenite do you need!?"
Spock: "Well, Captain, I don't know how you did it, but you did it again. Despite the political chaos here, we have our Zenite consignment, and in the nick of time. We are prepared to warp away on your order."
Kirk: "Give me a few seconds...I gotta say good bye to somebody extra special."
Vanna: (blushing shyly) "Thank you for punishing and humiliating the Capitalist slave-mongering pig-dog Plastics for me! You're a true revolutionary hero."
Kirk: (tenderly) "Thanks for the Zenite, Vanna. You're a peach, and a plum, and a pocket full of bubble gum. Gee, I'm sure sorry we have to just rush off like this, but duty is duty, and orders are orders! But I'll come back as soon as I can!"
Vanna: "Captain... I... I'm sorry I called you all those nasty names."
Kirk: "Aww, never be sorry for anything, Vanna. Never change a thing! I want to find you exactly like this when I come back...gloves and everything! Never change! Never!"